Thursday, 24 May 2012

Cunning whispers.

Ok so I get what it's doing now . . . I see the plan. It thrives best in isolation, obviously. A lot of this might sound obvious, so I won't keep saying obviously, because it's obviously NOT obvious to me. I've written that word so many times now that it looks wrong. I digress.

Cunning is it's way, and I sometimes consider myself quite clever . . . Not so. Not that clever.
Am I impressed by it's cleverness? Maybe, I most probably would be if a person were so  . . . Cunning?
I don't know.

I will sneak in so softly and light of finger, that you won't notice me.
And you will listen to my soft whisper without being aware of having heard me.

And I will show you those people who know you are bad, because you are bad . . . you know that.
I know that, I'm your friend. I can say these things and you will listen.
And when you're hurting, which you will,
I will take away that pain. Yes, take it away because I love you, you see, you fool.

I love you so much that I can say these things and you will listen.
You will only ever need me.
You will only ever want me.

So I got pulled back down there for a while. I simply don't know how. Such is it's sleight of hand.

Against all odds and, more so, against my own will, I forced myself to N/A tonight, after ignoring the phone calls and texts. I did answer one text, to say I wouldn't be there . . . I'm too tired. I'm glad I went. I listened and heard. I listened to other people who were aware of this cunning, of this "I will tell you what a heap of shit you are, then make you feel better; I will make you feel ill , then make you feel better" trickery. And somehow they had pulled away. For real. For good. One bloke had just done 60 days. He was happy.

I wasn't happy. I was as irritated and hot and sweating and bothered as I could possibly be, I so nearly walked out. People were constantly crunching biscuits, reading with their mouths full! Sharing through mouthfuls of chocolate and coffee . . . I mean, surely eat before you come if you're hungry. And if you're not, then don't eat. Why even have two tins of biscuits/chocolates on the table? Yes. That's how I felt. Fucking chocolate addicts, grabbing "mmmmm" ing. Scoffing. Laughing!? For fucks sake. Are we here to eat and laugh? Is that it? I might as well just leave. Do they know how much this irritates me? (at the best of times)  . . . Are they doing this on purpose? Don't they want me to listen?   . . . Who's they?

Ah . . .  Now we're talking. So listen. So I did.
I'd forgotten I had to fight this battle. Possibly because I didn't have to fight it in Wales; it just wasn't an option. Maybe that's another reason I was so content there. I let down my guard, I came back . . . . and Whhhack!

So, I'm ready for battle again.
It's gone midnight. So, Just for today . . . with a God who I don't understand, but I do trust, on my side.

Thanks for being here.


  1. Always...for as long as you keep trying I will keep listening.

    1. Thanks Sherry, it's 7am, just got a few minutes before the day begins. I'm gonna fight that fucker today. Proper fight it. I'll be back later. Thanks for listening and being here x

  2. We all get complacent, it is so easy to fall back, but so long as your eyes are forward focused on the prize, you won't fall back for long. We are with you. I pray for your complete success and happiness.
    Kiwigirl xxx

    1. Kiwigirl, Yes that is the important bit . . . staying focused.
      I am still amazed at how deftly that blindfold is wrapped over my eyes . . . and I lose focus. Gone. And then, of course, it's downhill fast.
      Thank God, the blindfold slipped for a moment and I just got enough of a glimpse to see what I'd so easily forgotten.
      I'm also still amazed at how stupid I am . . . but I guess that's addiction.
      Right I'm off to put on my suit of armour . . . and off to battle. Just for today . . . Only another fifteen hours!
      Thanks for being here x

  3. Brutally honest and so realistic...

    I can tell you know, you may not like or want to hear this but it doesn't go away - some how you learn to ignore it - well I do. I learnt if I engage with it and try to intellectualise it away that it has me then, I lose the argument every time. Now I let something else deal with it and generally for most of the time it is quiet and not there and I can just get on with life - a sober life.

    1. Thanks Furtheron and thanks for your post last night . . . I'd just got back from N/A and I hadn't said a word there, thinking they would be sick to death of hearing another "relapse story" . You made me realise that I do have something to give there, just as much as anybody else.
      You're right of course, it can't be beaten intellectually or rationally. I will do my best to ignore it and hand it over, Just for today.
      Thanks for still being here.

    2. Just keep trying - I've known guys who have gone years and years relapsing then just suddenly they don't any more. I had a year of that totally on my own (did I mention my self-reliance issues? :-)) and was so baffled by it all - again as I was trying to intellectually or rationally beat it.

      I like the term "cunning whispers" - but there are a couple of deaf old boys at my local meeting I might have to be careful using that one ;-)

    3. I will keep trying . . . Only five hours to go ;-) for today; then again I could be aslep by 9, so only 4 hrs.
      I could make a comment like "trust one of my very few male readers to notice that" . . . but I wont.
      Thanks for the encouragement.

  4. Out and out sneaky isn't it? And a really good liar as well. Of course we are here. To cheer on your sucesses and to be at your back, still applauding your courage, on bad days.
    On an unrelated note I am so glad to hear of someone else who finds eating noises gross. Beyond gross even. If you can't eat quietly then don't eat anywhere near me. I can even remember (on a particularly bad-tempered bitchy day) asking my partner to suck his potato crisps if he couldn't chew them quietly.

    1. O The E's C,
      I'm so glad I just came back and checked here, before starting the chores (at 11.30!) You proper made me laugh. Crisps are the worst. My kids know they have to not be in the same room as me if they eat crisps . . In fact Stropster has inherited this aversion. And apples!! well, I just don't buy them. It is beyond gross, I couldn't agree more. And this is a "talk" group, so why O why they all feel the need to be troughing non-foods all the way through is beyond me. My blood was boiling . . . you will know this feeling ;-)
      Today, I start again, ultra-aware of the snidy bastard . . it has so far found three ways today of trying to break me. It can go and chomp it's apples elsewhere cus I aint listening.
      Thanks for the laugh, you're priceless x

      ps. I did enjoy those photos with 50 word flash-fiction, I was impressed but wasn't up to commenting at the time. Or even writing. Something was telling me not to write . . . I'm not listening any more.

  5. Yes, pick yourself up and move on. Be proud that you are not pretending not to fall - that's when you'll be in real trouble. I am proud of you for being open and willing to start again.

    1. Thanks Jeannie . . . Yes that's a massive part of it's hold; to try and shame you into keeping it a secret, isolating and not admitting to anyone . . . therefore getting no help or support. I've at least learnt that much so far; to keep it open, in the light, and tell the truth about it.
      So, as I plan to be in bed in a couple of hours and I'm almost ready for bed now (ie, not going anywhere) . . . I reckon I can safely say that Just for today, I did it. I stayed Clean.
      I was getting proper scared I might really struggle and fail here, but I saw my worker today and I cried rivers. She was surprisingly helpful and spent an hour with me. We went through some painful stuff, which no drug worker or anyone has ever done before with me. I can honestly say, she really helped me. That's good eh.
      I feel a lot more hopeful and positive; I can do one day, one days all add up. Thanks Jeannie x

  6. I'm glad that you went to the meeting, Bugs. No matter how annoying, I get some message to take away. And over here, there are cakes at just about every meeting. My wife bakes for her Wednesday night one, and the ravenous vultures eat it up, gobbling as much as they can. Often alcoholics substitute another addiction for the alcohol, and food is a favorite.

    Hang in there. You will be okay. Just stay clean today.

    1. Syd, yeah I'll force myself there however I feel . . . I might propose a motion this week; that they eat during the break. I have to wait for the break to have a cig (indulge my addiction) so maybe they should ;-)
      Maybe I'll just keep quiet.
      Thanks for reading Syd