Tuesday, 17 April 2012

Angels and Devils

That was an ordeal. It was so exhausting that it would exhaust me even further to describe it. If Stropster didn't phone me, to ask what was for dinner, two minutes before we reached our home station at 6.30 this evening (written Monday night) . . . Hamper G and I would've slept on the train right through to London.

I'd read on the prison web-site's "how to get here" page that where the public transport runs out (almost in the middle of nowhere) I could call a local taxi from a certain pub to get me to the (really in the middle of nowhere) prison. Wrong. Unless I wanted to pay one from the nearest city for a £20 round trip. Err No. Stuck. After spending almost three hours and £35 getting this far . . . "Oh. OK. No thanks, we'll have to leave it then, cheers. Bye".
I had no idea anyone had over-heard me on my mobile in the pub car park . . . but they had.
"C'mon" she said "Get in the car, I'll take you" . . . "Who me? . . . us?"
"Yes you. C'mon I'll drive you there". And she did. How wonderful.

The "druggie within" was on fine form by the time I'd got home, cooked dinner and settled in.

"Well" she began "You've done well today, aint yer?"  . . . "I say! You . . . Oi! are you even listening?"

"Yes I know what you said, I heard. I know what you're about to say next too"

"O C'mon no need to be all "la dee bloody dar" . . . I'm only saying you've had a hard day . . . A really hard day ...
And . . . Stropster's going to his Dad's cus he's got college tomorrow . . . So no early morning call . . . No-one would blame you (?)  . . . You've had a fucking hard day . . . I don't know how you do it, really, no, honestly I don't"

"Well, yes it was a long day . . . BUT!  It's done now. I got through the day with a clear head. I've dealt with it. It's over"

"Yeah  . . . But . . .

Me, fingers in ears . . La LA LA LA LAAAAH!!

Hmmm . . . This progressed over the next hour. I was putting up a good fight . . . In both corners. It wasn't at all clear who would win and I wasn't sure how much fight I had left, so I said . . .

"Look. OK listen. I've got through twenty hours of today. There are only four left and I'm pretty sure I'll be asleep or writing for a couple of those. All of those. Let's leave it (just) for today and we'll talk tomorrow . . . Eh?"

That's where it ended. She skulked off to a basket in the corner where she curled up in a half-hearted sulk; doing her best to suppress a sly smile at the idea of planning tomorrow's tactics. Fool. She doesn't know who she's dealing with. This is new to her . . . that makes two of us then.

It's all good. Hamper G's Dad even phoned earlier to thank me for going to such lengths to visit him with Hamper . . . And to say he hoped that the stress of the day hadn't been bad for me. I told him how I'd fought and won. He said he was happy for me and proud of me for beating this beast ... but that he never could.

Off to bed. Thanks for helping me to believe I could do this ... And more.


  1. In this corner I am tired and teary eyed at your prowess. You have done so good. And I hope that you are proud of yourself. Don't leave us to do all the work...
    PS It was really good that you got the phone call that stopped you from dozing past your stop. Now that would have been a truly rotten end to a challenging day.

    1. Ahh, Now I'm teary eyed ... I am pretty pleased with myself though, as last night I was tired, hungry, emotional (all triggers apparently - all good excuses in the addict mind) and almost "resigned" to a relapse. I know that sounds awful now, but that's how it was.
      I was so glad the call came just before the stop, I couldn't get off that train quick enough when I realised from my stiff neck that I'd slept with my head thrown right back ... possibly snoring ... maybe drooling... Stop the train!!! ;-)

  2. That is brilliant... I had that voice with me for months at first, like you at times it was simply... "Ok I'm going to walk around the block then I'll have another think about it"... one day at a time - at times it was one hour or minute.

    The beauty of that way of thinking is you have only given up for now - not tomorrow, or even in an hour just for now this minute.

    1. Glad to hear that this other voice is all part of it ... It does help to let "it" think that it's just for now ... that we'll reconsider tomorrow. O the games!

  3. I am really proud of you. You've done well. Now you need to find something good you love to reward yourself with. Music? Art? Carrot sticks? (right, if only we could love them). For some reason this win of yours makes me want to grab and hug you then dance around your lounge like a 13 year old.

    1. I wish you were here to do just that.
      Now, rewards ... I'll have reconsider what I see as a "reward", otherwise I'll end up going round in circles here. Hmmmmm.

  4. YAY!!!! I am so impressed by you. Awesome job! Still praying for you daily and sending you white light -- all around you. You are doing this. You deserve to be proud of yourself. Many oxox's!

    1. Thanks Joy,
      It still surprises me some days that this is really happening ... After all these years.
      Thanks for reading and praying x

  5. I don't think it gets any easier for a good long while..so best to stay vigilant, and get support. I hope your meeting has examples of long term sobriety. So you see real evidence of success. That was always a problem before my son went to a strong recovery community. In our area the meetings are small and half the people are high. Not the kind of people you want to get phone numbers from;(

    I believe different things work for different people. I'm only passing along the experience, strength and hope of Andrew, who was/is a hard core dope fiend, and NA is the only method that has worked for him. Part of that I believe is it kept him busy (a place to go, a place to meet non users) in the beginning.

    Blah, blah, I'm lecturing now...

    Thanks for your cute comment, and you are right..he and I are very particular about our coffee!!

    1. Hi Lou,
      The Chair-man, is 5 years clean from Heroin (main drug) but alcohol, cannabis & speed too. The other woman there (coffee maker?) is 8 years clean also main drug Heroin (+other).
      There was one more man 8 yrs clean from Cocaine (still struggling with alcohol) So although there were only three, they were three excellent examples.
      The "chair" and "coffee" both told their stories (by candlelight!) and I related very well to them both.
      It's a very small town but they all drive to lots of city meets at various places and as soon as I can get some "baby-sitting" organised and Hamper G in school(!) I'll be going with them. They've text me every day this week, either to encourage me or to invite me to other meets (Mum and Bro on hols so no help with kids at minute). They said the numbers have dwindled from 16 to just them 3 (most weeks) but that's ok. I feel comfortable with them and although I haven't "shared" yet ... I'd be very happy to.
      I don't ever think you're lecturing Lou ... You've been through years of this with Andrew and observed this Heroin addiction with clear eyes, seeing what has helped and what has hindered.
      I could donate a decent tin of coffee tomorrow ... Out of the goodness of my heart ;-) ... And offer to make it!

  6. Well this post got me....the dual voices, good and evil, the voice of Hamper's dad filled with gratitude for your efforts and pride in your success, but no hope of changing his own journey. Ugh.

    You are amazingly strong. Minute by minute you are doing it for today. I am so proud of you and so honored that I get to read your words every day or so.

    1. Annette,
      Glad you enjoyed ... I would've also said six months ago that I couldn't ever change too ... So who knows? Not I, that's for sure. But that's him.
      This is me and I will do this. My next two posts are not so strong :-(
      I've got an N/A meeting to "top up" tonight. Much needed. I surely need at least two meetings a week.
      I'm honored to have you here reading Annette. Love and hugs

  7. You truly impress me! I get 'the other voice' and have often told my teenage son to 'listen to that little voice in his head'! Jimminy Cricket-like! You know, 'always let your conscience be your guide'! (I'm sure hoping you know the movie, Pinnochio, or you will be wondering what the **** I am talking about. I loved your line about having been strong for 20 hours and only having 4 more to go. I am going to try to use this strategy. You are a very talented writer!
    Shelley in SK (SK means Saskatchewan....a prairie province in Canada)

    1. Shelley in SK
      Yes I loved the "four hours to go" strategy too . . . unfortunately last night there were only three hours to go BUT ... Some days are harder than others.
      I have N/A tonight and it really helped last week. I need to get to two or three meets a week and will do everything I possibly can to make this happen.
      Thanks for reading Shelley. Saskatchewan . . . I like the sound of that . . . I'll Google it later.

  8. hey bugerlugs... ive done the prison visiting thing. i used to drive an hour an a half twice on the weekends to visit my co accused at a country jail. considering it was a bail breech to visit him it was a fairly risky journey for nothing. hes still the same piece of shit and i dont think he ever gonna change. his kids miss the dad they used to have when me and him were together and they were looked after by me. i think i was attracted more to helping his kids than to him in the end. all my love. xo lilly

    1. Hi Lily . . . It's hard to say really whether anyone will change or not. I'm sure most of my family didn't expect this change from me (after 34 years of drugs) . . . So you never know ;-)
      I'm not saying it's harder for men . . . but they're not encouraged "in general" to open up and think on these things. Which lessens any chance of changing IMO.
      11 days to go eh? Are you feeling confident about it?
      Lots of love from grey rainy England x

  9. Wonderful, Wonderful! "Just for today," One day at a time... You conquered the voice of the addict within and I'm sure there will be many more battles but you know you can do it now.

    Big Hugs!! :)))

    1. Ah Now then JJ, that's what I thought or hoped until I had a difrerent battle (of the same kind?!) yesterday ... with a different result.
      But I will carry on fighting and I will beat this!
      Hugs and love x

  10. The voice in my head tells me that I am not good enough, that I am not liked or loved. It happens when I am tired and my strength is sapped. I know the voice is BS but it still is a challenge ot to sink into self-pity.

    1. Yeah my BS Voice always starts in the evening . . when I'm tired. It knows when it stands the best chance of winning. I had a mini battle (a tussle) with it tonight . . I won. For today. O it's just gone midnight, so I need to start a new "today"