Wednesday, 18 April 2012

WAW's (please read intro to WaW's)

Tuesday night
I'm gonna write through this. I've no idea if I will post or not, or even what that would depend on.
I feel like my throat is closing . . . One comment is all it took. No, not here on this blog, in real life. How can I blame it on one comment, that can't be right or even truthful can it. Was the seed not already planted.
I don't know ...
I think you do, really, don't you?

I'll spellcheck this but I'm not gonna edit to make it more readable, otherwise I'll change things.
I'll re-write the past, once it has become the past.
So let's stay in the present shall we?
How about the truth here. Or can't you remember? How did it really start today. When did it really start?

Was it when you got the text from Mum saying that they were having  a great time in Wales? They being Mum and hubby plus my brother and his wife. The family. Is that when the tide turned. Feeling excluded. Did the text ask if I was doing well? No. Did it say they were missing me? No. It just said what a great time they were all having. Good. Great. Just like a holiday text/postcard should say. . . . Did it say "Wish you were here"? No. Fuck the lot of them then ... And simmer gently for two hours.

Bring to the boil.

Exclusion. Resentment ... Anger even. This will all need to be dealt with of course. I won't get far carrying that load around with me. I could honestly write here all night ... every sentence feels like it needs to be followed by "but that's another post" ... So much stuff. So so much stuff to mend.
So much to learn. And unlearn.

Anyway, if that is when my stomach started to tie itself in knots ... Why did I try to blame it on a comment that was made two hours later? OK, that's simple ... because I needed something to blame. I didn't know at that point what had brought it on. So I blamed the comment. But I wouldn't have worked that out unless I'd been writing this. This is one of the reasons that I question whether to post this type of "post" ... It's just the"whys and wherefores" really. It's only of use to me and I wouldn't imagine of any interest to anyone.

So having fought it for a couple of hours ...  Now you see, as soon as I say "fought it" I think, well that's a whole subject in itself. That's like me saying I just had a boxing match with Tyson . . . I've not learnt how to fight effectively. Just as I don't have any training in boxing. I haven't yet learnt how to use all of weapons available in this fight . . . I don't even have some of the weapons. Yet.

Ok so how come you put up such a good fight yesterday? in that state ... and won. Ah well that's different, another subject to be explored . . . that was "her" trying to talk me into it as a reward for such a hard day. But I knew the hard bit of the day was over and I got the upper hand. Tonight it was on offer as an anaesthetic. Very different matter. This was not of the "you know you want it" variety, more the "you know you need it". No wonder I noticed the sly suppressed smile last night. She wasn't planning tactics at all. Maybe letting me win the battle the night before was enough. Confidence up. Guard down. Boxing.

Where were we? We!? I mean me, Where was I?   . . . having fought this for a couple of  hours and settled down for the evening, Stropster came in tired and hungry. Ready to snap? He was much later than usual as he goes to college on Tuesdays. I got up to sort his food, wash the plates from our dinner earlier and ask him about his day . . . He picked up on something not quite right "Are you mardy?" (a bit down/pissed off)
"No just a bit tired and I've been thinking about that shit . . . trying to fight it. Battle weary"
"O Great! So what done? . . . you've been and got some!" (in a very accusatory tone)  As if every time I battle, I give in and score . . . that's how it came across. We were both tired and irritable. Not thinking. Only reacting.
I suppose he doesn't know about the many battles I've fought and won in the last two months. How would he? You see, that's another subject. He may well think that the only time I battled was when I had my relapse ... therefore lost. He doesn't know there can be several battles in a day. He presumed that in telling him I was struggling,  I was pre-empting a confession.Wrong. But not to blame. I don't talk about the battles with the kids. It's not their fight.

So. BANG!!
"No I fucking didn't go and get any . . . I was just saying it's been eating at me and I'm tired from fighting it" (and looking after you three day in, day out, alone . . . but I didn't say that)

This built up until he said . . .

"I don't know why you're bothering. It's not as if any of US are gonna benefit from YOU getting clean NOW!! ... Only YOU!! . . . Twelve years too fucking late mother!!! . . . You've done bringing me and Geekster up. We've had twelve years of it . . " and on and on it went. He needs to say this. Do I need to hear it. I already know it.

I can't remember all the words . . . I remember staring at the bubbles going down the plughole. I remember my breathing getting heavier and catching in my throat, feeling like I might burst into tears. I remember my eyes stinging and I remember picking some bits of tomato and mushroom out the plughole and throwing them in the bin. Hard. The pain was getting a bit too much.

I didn't even try to put up a fight. I swear I didn't. I didn't think how crap and tired I will feel tomorrow. I didn't think there's only THREE  hours left of this day. I didn't believe I could cope with three more minutes of this day. The text was sent. Gone. Damage done. And I knew it. 

No matter how much bullshit you try and feed yourself at this point, such as . . ." Maybe it won't happen . .  I've ordered it but I don't have to use it . . . I could throw it away . . . Maybe he has ran out and I can't score" . . No matter how much, you know it's all bullshit

So what now. Do I try and justify it. No. Absolutely NOT. A few weeks ago maybe.
No. I'll go and get some fighting lessons. Thank God I've got one tomorrow. I'll go and get tooled up. And learn how to deal with these feelings that I'm so desperate to anaesthetise.

I'm an idiot. A fool. I know I should focus on the last 6 days where I haven't used but that just doesn't seem relevant now. In the end I did not, for one second, consider the consequences.There was no clear thought at that time . . . just a muddle of pain, anger and agitation that needed soothing.  Something that needed un-knotting. I didn't un-knot it . . . I just killed the pain that the knot was causing. It needs proper un-ravelling.

I will learn how to sooth these pains. How to unravel the tangle of anger and resentment. I'll learn how to put up a good fight until I've learnt how to deal with the pain myself. I know I can do this and I will do this.

Please bear with me ... I think so much of you good people. I appreciate you all and don't want anyone to think I'm not serious about this. I'm grateful for every bit of encouragement and support. I don't want anyone to feel they are wasting their time with me. That would be awful and is another reason why I would like to not post this. But I have to be honest here . . . If I'm not then I really would be wasting my time and yours.
3am. Bed-time.


  1. "defenceless against the first drink" - substituted hit in there if you like...

    Boy so much in there like you say - it takes time - boy doesn't that one piss you off when people say that!

    It is interesting you were better at avoiding the "go on you deserve it" voice to the "go on, show em all, what do they care etc." type voice... all these things help as you learn what to do, what to not do, what to avoid, what to breath deeply over and find something else to focus on etc. Just from this post already I can see you've come a long way - you may not feel like it but just having these insights is progress

    1. Thanks furtheron . . . yes "what do they care" was a big part of it.
      I plucked up the courage to share this last night at N/A (believe me I don't talk, it took some doing) and asked for some advice with this.
      I was told "Why the fuck do you expect them to care after they've seen you do this for 34 yrs", (selfish cow-yes they were the exact words)"why should they believe it's gonna happen this time?"
      Well for a start this is the first time I've done any number of clean days in a row . . and they are my family, should they not care!? . . but I didn't say that . . . I didn't say anymore.
      I was gob-smacked.
      I get the impression they tar every heroin addict with the same brush. I came home sad and angry and cried. But I'll go again and share "that I think they should find out a person's background before they jump in"
      I need to write on this one . . .
      They also presume everyone has stolen from their family/friends . . . I never have. I can honestly say with a clear head that my parents have hurt me far more than I've hurt them . . and my parents would agree with that.
      But they say I'm "denying" the pain I've caused. Fucking Bollox. I've hurt men . . . a lot of them. but not my parents.
      Can you tell this got to me ;-)
      just cus they were a bunch of arseholes when they were addicts - don't mean we all were . . but that's me - in denial :-)
      Thanks for you input furtheron. Hugs.

    2. That is sad that is what happened... I've seen this stuff first hand at times sadly. I admit I'm not great around newcomers I just keep saying "don't drink, come to meetings" frankly that was all I did for the first few months. Of course others are more useful - I do think people should share as much as they can in a postive supportive way.

      I struggled since my compulsion to drink didn't leave me as I seemed to hear it had for so many others from the moment they walked in. Some lovely people just calmly gave me advice, let people know where you are, call home so you are committed to going home (my big trigger was from work to home you see)... looking back it was learning about triggers and situations and people etc. and then having strategies to deal with it... until one day you realise that actually it isn't so much of a problem...

      What would I say to you? Well it is still early days yet and the answer is you need to continue to work at it so that the trust comes back and that you find yourself back in the family. My brother and I barely communicated for the last 2 years of my drinking and first 2 years of sobriety - now we are great friends again - I was best man at his wedding 18months back I was so so happy to be there, trusted, liked, included... but as was said to me (and boy I fucking hated it!) "time takes time"

      Go back - share again - esp about how you are coping where you are and where you aren't... you will find people you'll identify with and who'll identify with you that you'll come to trust and confide in

  2. Do not worry about us. We get this. We really do. People fall... we, and I think I can speak for your other readers in this one sentence....we just want you to keep getting up. ((((HUG))))

    Your honesty will serve you well. You seem to face it all head on, no excuses. You don't deny, lie, throw it out there in the bright sunlight for all to see. You are in the process of setting yourself free my dear.

    As to your son....I was your son at one time. He is mad, has his own heart filled with resentments to work through. That will come in time but its not yours to fix anymore. All you can do is keep being honest with him, not shush him when he needs to vent his anger, acknowledge that things have not always been the way that you had hoped either and you are sorry for the pain it has caused him.

    You really are amazing. I am *still* feeling so honored to be here with you.

    1. Yes Annette, If I've learnt anything from all this thinking it's to be honest . . . as in "Really honest". Sometimes I've caught myself (in my head) justifying it with such bullshit . . . that even I'm amazed. So it's 100% truth, if it offends then so be it.
      Yes you're right about Stropster . . . And it does pass, but it's awful when he's "on one".
      I'm glad you're still here ;-)

  3. Oh beauty. You are on a path. It's a long and arduous one. The NA meetings will give you more tools to help you. Your honesty here is an excellent start. Remember that this is a disease. You are taking those first steps down that path. I wish I could say something to make it easier for you, but no one can fight this for you, except yourself. I am praying. A lot! Many oxox's for you today. Keep fighting.

    1. Thanks Joy . . . Yes I think Honesty could be the key here. I have to be honest with myself to work out why this keeps happening. Thanks for reading and your prayers x

  4. I have been through teenagers, and boy do they know how to throw those poison arrows, the trick is learning how to dodge them, rather than catch them and let them pierce your heart and soul. Poor you, you didn't deserve that tirade, on top of feeling rejected by your family. You must feel very isolated sometimes, but you are not alone, we all follow your struggles on a daily basis, feeling your pain and rejoicing in your triumphs. So put those hurtful comments in their place, they are the words of an angry, hurt, sometimes confused young man, but so are most teenagers, this is not your baggage so don't pick it up.
    Kia Kaha, as we say in N.Z. (Stay Strong) Love from Kiwigirl.

    1. Kiwigirl,
      O I'm glad it's not just my lad ... he is so hurtful. OK, I need to learn to dodge arrows whilst I'm learning to box! So much to learn but you're right . . . and I won't pick it up!
      Your comment really helped me last night, as it started all over again when he tried to STOP me going to N/A!?!(he didn't succeed)
      O the trials! Love and hugs x

  5. Hello! My first visit, will visit you again. Seriously, I thoroughly enjoyed your posts( really interesting blog). Congrats! Would be great if you could visit also mine... I wish you a wonderful day with very smiles and peace. Thanks for sharing!

    1. Hi Nelson
      Thanks for visiting, glad you enjoyed!?
      I visited yours and also found it interesting (after I realised I could translate) . . . You have a lot of followers!Hope you have a wonderful day too.

  6. You are going to be fine. You have a self awareness now that I bet you've never had a lot of love and support coming from this particular part of the US.

    Keep doing your WAW's...they are the best therapy.


    1. Sherry,
      I do hope so.
      So much fighting though.
      I know it's worth fighting for ... And I will keep up the WAW's, they help to pull some sense out of the mess.
      Thanks x

  7. My lovey, you have touched my heart so deeply, tears are streaming down my face from memories of my past. This is how I know you will be okay. You continue to pick yourself back up, dust yourself off and fight another day. You're a fighter, Lovey. Your progress is apparent in your post, I could see it from the beginning towards the end as you worded through what I call on my blog a "word vomit". It helps to just get it out there, let the brain process those thoughts, get them unjumbled. Sometimes the why of the relapse (to me anyway) isn't just that important. The getting back up and moving forward is, and that's what you're doing.

    Much love

    xoxox - and if there are typo's I'm not correcting them, you made me cry - so there! =P

    1. Damn it to hell, it should have been worked through, not worded through...ugh!

    2. Hi LOvey, I'm off on another WaW here! this N/A stuff is doing my head in . . I tried to write a normal happy post last night (re, the hamsters return) but this stuff keeps turning over in my head. I need to work through it.
      I was under the impression that I'm honest with myself about my past, and can't decide how much of my reaction to their "chat" is the cynic in me, the addict in me, or the truth. I'll end up writing my WaW here if I don't shut up. Thanks for your help and encouragement Lovey, it means much to me. Hugs and love to you and your family x x

  8. Goodness knows I have not been ignoring you, not passing stupid judgements, I haven't yet commented because ROTTEN BLOGGER wouldn't let me.
    This is a small glitch in a long journey. We are still all at your back, encouraging you on and feeling (some of) your pain.
    You are still doing really, really well. Six months ago could you have imagined this many clean days? No? Well that is some achievement isn't it?
    I am sending so much love and support your way that you may drown under the weight of it.

    1. E's C
      O I would never think you were judging or staying away . . . ever. You were here when I was using full time and if, God forbid that did happen again, I'm pretty sure you would still be here.
      It is progress and achievement for sure.
      Seems I have a lot of thinking to do. Which would be fine if there wasn't two of me with conflicting thoughts . . . Hmmmmm.
      I can feel the weight of your love and support like a warm, heavy blanket on a winter's night. Thanks E'sC, as always, for everything. Love and hugs to you x

  9. Blogger hid your posts from me - I went looking for your last post just to say hi and found two that I somehow missed.
    You have broken my heart - not by using - hell, I could be talked into using if someone caught me feeling so low. Being kicked when you are down is the hardest. You will find a way - you know now that this will be a weak spot - and you will find a way to overcome. Forgive them because they are clueless about your struggles - have no idea that thoughtless and tactless actions, remarks and accusations cut you so deep you turn to the very thing they want you to avoid. Most of us are pretty clueless so be prepared.

    I think your doing these WAWs will be excellent for you - you will see yourself in a new light and will be kinder. You won't join the doubters who put you down but will join us who are positive you can succeed.

    Have your kids been included in any group therapy? If not, it's a thought - like Al Anon or the like if there is something out there for them. They have been hurt too and need to learn to forgive you.

    1. Jeannie,
      I know blogger hides post. It does that to me too.
      I'm chasing my tail here. I need to write a post on this N/A stuff . . . I can see it works, I can see how it works. But there's something in me not happy with some of it and I need to work out if it's the addict in me (kicking off), the good old cynic in me . . . Or if, in fact, it's plain truth. So So much stuff. And I'm of so many different opinions !?
      Thanks Jeannie for your helpful thoughts and comments. I know you wouldn't judge me either.
      I know the kids have been hurt and I can admit to where I've caused pain . . . Lots of it. But I'm struggling with seeing how I've hurt my parents . . . I really am.
      I will ask my Mum, outright, when she gets back because I can. My Dad's too ill, old and frail. But I need to hear the truth from one of them at least. I can rely on mother for the truth . . . I think. God this is messy.
      Thanks Jeannie for being here.

  10. I didn't see this post either. Just came along looking for you because it's been awhile. I hope you didn't think I'd given up on you.

    When I read this, I didn't feel upset toward you for slipping. I kept hearing all the terrible things I said to my mother when I was the teenager and we had our bad nights. I can't express how much I wish I could relive those moments and not speak to her with such a forked-tongue. I understand why you used. It was your escape hatch for the moment. It was your only comfort. Before my son was born, I smoked weed, pot, dope...however it's referred to there...on a regular basis. Day and night, night and day...was able to hide it from most people. Before work, after work, all day and night when I didn't have to work. Covered easily with perfume and a breath mint. I did it to ease all the pain, to relax, to feel 'okay,' to not care if I was misunderstood or accepted...and I'm sorry to admit that it helped me feel better for the moment and there have been times that I've done it since and felt much better when there was just nothing else - noone else, to understand, to comfort, a shoulder or a coping mechanism. My husband is great but some things he just cannot comprehend because he's not walked the road I have. It's just that way. After my son was born, I was on heavy pain meds for almost a year and then picked up the baggie again. Post partum, isolation, those are doozies and were grand excuses to ease the pain. I'm doing better now. I don't know how or why. I moved 800 miles away from all my contacts. I know I'm sort of comparing apples to oranges here but they're both ways of coping with life, pain, etc. I'm not going to sit here and enable you and say it's okay because this will eventually take your life and that's not okay. But, honestly, I understand the 'whys'- more that I can even express.

    I think it's good for you to work it out here. God knows, we all need a hand. This life is not easy and harder for some. No rhyme or reason to it but there is good to be had.

    I feel like I've said too much is what it is. Just wishing you the best, still not giving up on praying, and sending you cyber hugs and wishes for true happiness from half a world away.

  11. Dear Bugerlugs,
    You have been & are doing fucking fantastically. Remember you're not giving up for anybody but yourself, YOU are the important one. Like you son said "you managed fine before" & you could probably manage fine until all the children have grown up & left home.
    But then what?
    Life seems to stagnate when you're on gear or get completely out of control (or both) depending on your personality & self discipline. It seems to me YOU have oodles of self discipline, YOU are succesfully bringing up 3 children, You feed them, clothe them, take them on holiday, You have achieved, whilst on gear, far more than a lot of two parent families cannot, I APPLAUD YOU !
    As for N/a yes there are a lot of nice genuine people there but there are also a lot of arrogant fuckers who think "well if I can do it anyone can. There's also an element of "ours is the only way,we're tried & tested, proven to work!" well that's just bollocks.
    As I'm sure you're tired of hearing lapsing is part & parcel of recovery, it would be weird if you didn't.
    Take care my friend xKarl

    1. Karl, thanks so much for this. I only found it cus I went to check Fb and my sister in Aus had wrote to me . . and she said "I think out of all the comments I liked Karl's best" . . . and I thought Karl?? i don't remember him saying ote so I came and checked . . this is so good as I just wrote to my Ex in prison and this is pretty much exactly what I wrote ... what you have written.
      That I did manage well as a mother and could justify carrying on (as the addict in me is want to do) but as you say life stagnates. it's very limited and I want those feelings of happiness, joy, sadness, shit anything!! back, to enjoy music again and well you know everything life has to offer. Instead of just getting through the day , looking forward to my bag.
      Also there is my Lungs to consider. If I carry on , when the kids have left home, I'll be dead!!
      I have to be sure that what I'm thinking is really what I'm thinking and not someone elses opinion. That sounds easy. It's not. but it will be easier as I practice it.
      Also you're spot on about N/A and I have to be aware that they're not all right just because they're clean!
      Basically what you said is what I'd just written to Hamper's Dad.
      Also there's (N/A's)is not the only way. and with my family being Christians, they think there's is the only way . . . so I have to beware of their advice, as they're almost trying to talk me out of N/A. As in, we dont need to go over the past. God forgives and we move on. Yes, well they would say that. Let's not deal with the past would suit them just fine. Let's head to the future full of resentment, anger and fear and bitterness shall we?? because no amount of prayer seems to get rid of that lot. But that's THEIR way. I have to think through this, find my own voice and opinion, make sure they're all my thoughts and STICK with them.
      Thanks for confirming this for me Karl. I hope you're doing ok, with whatever you want to be doing. Hey I found that song it's "Me and my woman" it dont start with what a lovely day but it's got that in it. Good toon as you say. Take care mate. Much love x

    2. I meant their's is not the only way . . not there's!
      So much for O level English grammar :-) have a good'un

    3. Aha, I do know that track, I think I even used to have it. by the way it is, theirs, but who cares I knew what you meant. x

    4. oh & as i'm sure you're aware by now it is on youtube

    5. Yes, once I knew which track it was . . . I found it on tape and on You Tube. It's like four different songs in one.

  12. Bugs, he is angry and lashing out. That's what those of us who are affected by someon else's addiction do. Eventually, I knew that I was sick myself so I went to Al-Anon. It has helped me to not hate the alcoholics in my life but hate the disease. Maybe your family would benefit from Nar-Anon?