Sunday, 8 April 2012


Ok I was just finishing off a post I wrote last night about my lack of self discipline. I will post it later but for now there is something eating me.

I fucked up. And then I felt so bad . . . so I did it again. Because it's clever like that. More clever than I that's for sure. Which wouldn't be difficult.
I'm not back to square one. I am aware of how quickly I could be though.
I did wonder how I would fight on the days when I had no fight left.

The thing is with Heroin is how fast it gets you on it's side . . . . Believing the lies. Blinkered to the truth. Numbed to any guilt or sense of wrong doing.
You see now I want that peace back. But it's gone. I killed it. I'm angry and sad and of course I just want to numb these feelings. Yeah, that's a good idea. Fucking idiot. Rewind . . . . Nope, that won't work.

I can't even think clearly enough to explain any of this. I let it trick me. Me of all people should know how this works . . . I've seen it before. I hoped I wouldn't see it again. Maybe I hoped too much and didn't pray enough. I don't know. At this point I don't know much at all.
I do know I don't want to post this . . . but I will because this is about my journey and this is part of my journey. The turbulence. I hope it's turbulence and that I'm not heading for an almighty crash.

Surely I'm the pilot here? I don't feel like I am or maybe I don't feel like I want to be. Who'd want me as their pilot. No, me neither. Everything within me wants to stop this turmoil in it's tracks. That would be easy . . . but everything within me wants to feel good again. Why does it feel like that might not happen. I'm truly scared. Scared that it is stronger than me. I can't write anymore until the fog has lifted. I'll just go round in circles. 
I don't want to hurt anyone. Least of all myself or my kids.


  1. My friend, you are not the only imperfect creature living on this orb. Yes, this is serious and you certainly grasp that but don't let the guilt eat at you and destroy what you've started. You have to get up now, brush yourself off, forgive your slip and keep moving forward. You can steer this ship. You hit a bit of turbulence, yes,*perfectly stated* but I still believe in you. "Maybe I hoped too much and didn't pray enough" that line gave me shivers...I can't tell you how many times I've let go of God's hand once I thought I had things started pretty well, had it all under control and then tried to keep going on my own and fell flat on my face. It's frustrating but we need Him that much, don't we. We can't ever let go. Keep praying and I'll be praying for you over here too - half a world away. I wish I could reach out to you as a friend in a more substantial way than through a comment here. Know that you are in my thoughts, prayers, heart, hopes. I want to see you beat this. I want to see you set free and I believe I will. Rome wasn't built in a day, eh. Old cliche and I apologize for that. Take care of yourself. Be tender with you. You are worthy of love and forgiveness. We all fall, you just have to get back up now. Okay, long comment. Sorry for rambling just wish I could do more.

    1. Thanks JJ . . . You done plenty by commenting. It means so much to know that you care enough to stop and write this from "half a world away" . . . I've got up and brushed myself down. I'm a bit shaky but ready to start again. Don't apologize for cliches or rambling . . . I've read all of these comments over and over today. I appreciate every single word. Thanks x

  2. Oh gosh, I am so sorry. I can hear your discouragement and disappointment and your fear. But you know, you are just a person. Just a mama doing the best you can and you slipped. So you start again. I have watched you through this blog, create a new beginning for yourself and I believe, 100% that you are strong enough to do it again. Just for today. And then again tomorrow, and the next and the next.....
    Be gentle with yourself and put one foot in the front of the other and begin again. Do you have any idea how many times I have started to lose weight and then "slipped" for months and years and said, "I don't care" and then begun again. I know....a very different substance, but I think our compulsions may come from a similar place in our hearts.
    Let the guilt go....its a killer and counter productive. ((((HUG)))
    Also know that your honesty is nothing short of heroic. Seriously. Love you girl....keep at it.

    1. Annette,
      Yes honesty was one of the hardest parts. But the more I thought about it I realised that to keep it to myself would be to collude with it . . . which of course would be what "it" wants. To have no-one to turn to other than the false comfort it provides.
      I'm ready to start again and although I'm quite shaken still, I will take one day at a time and build up some strength again. Thanks for being here for me. As I said to JJ (above) I've read all of these comments over and over today. Thanks x

  3. Let the guilt and shame go. You're being honest with yourself so be proud. BE PROUD.

    So you slipped - but does it mean you have to fall all the way to the bottom?


    1. Hi sherry,
      I must say I'm not feeling too proud at the minute but you're right, it doesn't mean I have to fall all the way to the bottom . . . I've found a "foot hole", am hanging on and will climb back up from here.
      Thanks, as always, for reading and commenting. It means a lot to me and has helped me through today.

    2. i struggle all the time not to bite my nails. every single day i fail. eww, i know.

      then you (and others) who are fighting the good fight come along and show me what mettle is made of. you have it.

  4. You don't reverse that many years of a habit on the first try..very rare for that to happen.

    Each period of abstinence builds on the next. It's a known tenet of addiction. How long did you make it? Next time, make it a day longer.

    Then a day longer than that. One day at a time. Do you have NA or Smart Recovery near you? It's really tough to do this alone.

    1. Lou,
      I'm glad you said that about it rarely happening on the first try, that has helped me to move on.
      I was told a while back that was no N/A here (small town) but have since found out that there is a small one (?) on a Wednesday night. I will absolutely most definitely be going there this Wednesday.
      I seem to remember reading somewhere that I wouldn't be able to start "the steps" until I have weaned off methadone, but I presume I can still go along and be welcome?
      I do need some help with this. When my head is a bit clearer I will write through why and how I think it happened. But for today I will take a deep breath and say NO.
      Thanks for your words and understanding Lou, they're much appreciated.

  5. People make mistakes...the trick is to get back on track. This is easier said than done, I realize that but if you go back to the...."Today I will remain sober, Today I will pray the serenity prayer until I find peace, Today I will let the past go and focus on today. That's all you have to do, not to overwhelming because, you only need to do it today and when you get up tomorrow morning you can start this process all over again. You might even need to break it down smaller than that...right now I will remain sober, right now I will pray for peace, right now i will focus on the now and I will be all right.

    I felt compelled to respond to this post because I can sense your intense disappointment...we are imperfect creatures, forgive your self.

    1. AMSB,
      I'm gald you felt compelled to respond. I appreciate every response, every word of advice and every word of encouragement. I am going to N/A on Wednesday, I do need some help with this. For today I'm back on track . . . and there's only four hours left of today, so it's looking good. Like you say, tomorrow I will start over again.
      Thanks for your comment, as I've said above, all of these comments have meant so much to me today. I'm still re-reading them and feel blessed that so many people care enough to take the time to write. Thankyou.

  6. Wow, don't even know what to say. I really hope it helps that all of us anonymous people out here feel we have formed a real connection with you somehow, because of your brutal honesty I think. And we all want to witness your success, so will all be keeping you in our thoughts.
    I just saw that movie 'The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel' which I loved, and one of the characters favourite quotes was from Kipling, "Everything will be alright in the end, if it's not alright it's not the end". So pick yourself up and start again, your journey is not at the end.

    1. Kiwigirl,
      It really does help to come here and read every word of encouragement and advice. Also to feel that connection with so many decent, caring people.
      These comments have got me through today and helped me to stop beating myself up and move on . . . and to stand back up and say NO!!

  7. Oh sweet knees. Its a slip, not a disaster. Scary as it is, you can do it. You have all of us at your back. Hugs.

    1. TE'sC
      The scary bit is that one little slip was enough to alter/numb my mind into thinking it was "little" and didn't matter too much . . . so it wouldn't matter if it happened again . . . Tricks and lies.
      I'm so thankful that I have all of you with me. Thanks. I enjoyed your photos last night and was pleased you had time to enjoy your garden as well as working it. It's beautiful.

  8. My Lovey, I'm still so very proud of you. You were brave and honest to share your slip with us. Just be sure not to beat yourself over the head with it. It's a slip, it's a chance to learn, a chance to dust yourself off and start again. I know you can - I have faith in you - you rock!!

    1. Lovey,
      I'm pleased now that I shared it although at the time it went against everything that I was feeling, due to having my head full of lies. I'm still trying to work through it and I think writing about it will help with that, No, I know it will. I know you understand that too.
      I'm surprised that I'm shocked at how easily I was tricked. I thought I was O So Aware of how it could happen . . . obviously not. It's a devious drug. Hey, I'm getting into a post here . . . It really helps to pull it all to peices though and check out each element . . . to see how this addiction is made and expose it's filthy fucking innnards. To learn. OK I'm off to experiment with my scalpel.
      Thanks Lovey x

  9. You'll be okay. You did it before and you know how good you felt. You will get the peace back - expect to - don't let imaginary fears keep you from it. Fear lies. Deep breath. Gather your strength. Picture all the good things that come from being clean - all those things you've enjoyed over the last weeks and know that they will continue. You've had a slip and you may feel a little shakey for a few days but we are all here for you. Believe.

    1. Jeannie, Bless your heart. Imaginary fears . . . I like that. I love that. Fear lies, I love even more. Ok I'm crying now. Apparently one of the most effective forms of prayer are tears . . . So there we go.
      You have no idea how much all of these words have helped . . . Or maybe you have. Either way, they have. Thanks x

    2. This comment has been removed by the author.

    3. ps. My reply wouldn't post so I kept hitting "publish" and may have posted it about 7 times :-) . . . which would be roughly the number of times that I've read all of these comments.

  10. You have come on here and told the truth that will get you where you want to be. It is an insidious thing that longing to get you back there where you don't want to be but actually long to be - the continuing paradox of recovery.

    1. Furtheron,
      I'm not sure what insidious means but I'll go and check . . . But whatever it means, what is it with this "longing to be back there where one doesn't want to be" ... I need to look into this.
      I've discovered a local N/A and although I don't think I can fully "participate" as I'm still on methadone . . . it can only help. And I need all the help I can get. This post, and then each comment, and then replying to each comment has helped more than I could've imagined. Thanks

    2. Don't know about NA but AA has but one rule for membership "a desire to stop drinking" - doesn't say you have to have stopped, or are using other medications to help etc.

  11. So you fucked up. Who of us hasn't. Even non-addicts do shit they are sorry for. The keys to the kingdom lie in wait for you depending on what you do about your fuck up. You have a choice. It's all up to you. You can choose to continue with your H or you can get up, brush off, and get back to the business of being sober.

    You must make the choice alone but you needn't fight the battle alone. We're out here. AA/NA is out there plus about a million other organizations whose job it is to help you stay sober.

    But the decision is yours. It's not about guilt or beating yourself up or even staying sober for your kids (although if that's what makes you do it then so be it) the end it's about how you wish to live your life. Based on your posts, you're quite a human being and I'd love to learn more about you and hang with you and listen to you...but you have to be sober to make all that happen.

    Let's go girl. I fucked up too before I got it right. Forgive yourself and move on with your bad ass self.

    Love to you (believe it or not - this comment was typed with love and understanding),

    1. Sherry
      ;-) I do believe it was written with love and understanding, 100%, totally.
      Each different comment has meant so much. All different, all good. It has helped beyond belief to be able to come here to this support, advice, encouragement aND TRUTH. (I didn't touch the "all caps" key there so I'm leaving it) Someone knows better than me where to put the emphasis.
      I loved every word of your message. "It is about how you wish to live your life" is spot on. All of it is.
      I have made the choice (alone) and need some help with the battle. That's it.
      I've found a local N/A which I'll try on Wednesday. I WILL do this.
      Thanks for every loving word.

  12. Ah love, this is a bummer, for sure. But hello? Everyone knows heroin is one of the nastiest most awful drugs to kick. Keep on with the fight and get that stuff away! You can do it! We believe in you. We all believe in you. Take care, go easy, and lots of love xxx

    1. Mrs D
      It is some dirty devious stuff that's for sure. It's clear why so few get away from the bastard. I've heard so many addicts say they want "off" and so many drugs workers say "well if you want to stop, then stop." If only.
      But I will do this. You all believe in me, I believe in me . . . Let's do this. Thanks for your words and belief x

  13. Wish I could give you a hug right now.
    You did it, you were honest about it, you regret it and you're scared.
    The scared part sounds like a positive thing to me.

    I hope you can put it behind you and focus on other things and keep moving forward. You have made a ton of progress. Lots of journeys are two steps forward and one step back, but that's still making progress in the right direction.

    You're gonna be fine. I know if, feel it in my bones!

    1. Barbara,
      Another spot on observation . . . "The scared part sounds like a positive thing to me" . . . It does to me too :-)
      As I said in another reply I'm shocked and scared by how I let myself be fooled, tricked, gently numbed and lulled back there. I'm glad I'm scared too. It's healthy to be scared of that crap.
      I need to focus on the good so far, like you say, it's still progress.
      Thanks for the hug and being here

  14. Just checking in to see how you are. I was worried that you were beating yourself up, and goodness knows we tend to beat up on ourselves harder than anyone else can. If you must do it, use the other hand to pat yourself on the back for your bravery and your honesty. Wonderful characteristics which all your readers can see.

    1. Hey, I've come right round in a circle. It's taken five hours, sitting here re-reading and replying to such helpful comments.
      Thanks for popping in to see how I am . . . That's so lovely. I'm ok thanks, being here as helped immensly. I still need to rip the thing apart and get to the "whys and wherefores" . . . Maybe tomorrow.
      It's almost 1am (the time on my comments is wrong) I won't beat myself no more :-).I've had a great evening with you all and I'm off to bed. I hope you're well and SP is improving . . . you do make me laugh. Thanks and hugs right back. Goodnight

  15. Just wanted you to know i'm with you and thinking of you.You have an amazing group of friends here supporting you..,so we all feel your disapointment and utter pissed offness with your self!Go easy,cos at least you are still committed to your goal.And the peace you think you might have lost will come back once the junk has left your system and your natural being reasserts itself..much love xxxx

    1. Hey I nearly missed you here!
      It's amazing the amount of support that builds up over time innit? . . . It's only six months ago (and four days) since it was just me and thee here ;-)
      Sometimes I think the progress is good for six months . . . Other times I think I could've done more. But you're right Annie, I must keep me eye on the positive and not make comparisons, in my mind . . . which I do, a lot.
      I just read a quote in a comment at Syd's . . "Comparison is the thief of joy" . . . So true.
      I'm gonna try N/A tomorrow, I so want to get the better of this. Love and hugs to you and yours (and those kittens) x x x

  16. Buger, I'm glad that you were honest here. And that you realize that this isn't the end of the world. It could be if you continued on, right? But you are aware and can take the action needed to get back on the sober track. Good for you. I am rooting for you.

    1. Hi Syd, I'm glad you're rooting for me :-)
      I'm off to my first N/A tonight . . . I've no idea if there will be 2 people or 20 people but I so want this to work so I will go and try. Thers always a bigger City (15 min train ride) one to try if this doesn't feel right . .. but I'm hoping and praying it will. I'll update of course.
      Thanks for reading and commenting. I'm so pleased that I have this blog with so much support, encouragement and good advice.

  17. I commented once before awhile back. I will say it again, relapse is part of recovery. All these comments are so on the mark. I am praying for you as I pray for my own son. Take it day by day. You can do this, you've proven that. Much love & light coming your way.

    1. Hey Joy , yes I remember your name . . . well I would. I've just come in fromn my first N/A meeting and I'm buzzing :-) proper buzzing. Now I didn't expect that. Only 3 "members" or whatever they're called, then another new comer and me. Brilliant . . . I'm gonna do a poat about it.
      Thanks for your comment and prayers Joy. I really am blessed with the support that has built up from starting this blog. Every word of it.

    2. . . . A post, that should say . . . I've left my glasses in Mum's car and almost have my nose on the screen.

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