Wednesday, 18 April 2012

Intro to the new dimension . . . "The WaW's"

Wednesday morning
OK, here comes a new dimension to this journey.  The whys and wherefores.The WaW's

On occasions I write, what I've heard described on other blogs, as "streams of consciousness". It's about processing thoughts and working through behaviours ... soul searching. I usually keep them as drafts, assuming they're of little or no interest to readers. Sometimes by the time I've written one, thereby breaking the matter down and inspecting it, I've often learnt something and it's served it's purpose. I rarely make these drafts readable and never edit. Let's just say they're not usually written for the reader.

I expect there will be more and more of these as I seriously get to work on myself. If they're of no consequence, I won't post them. If they're of significance and help with my growth, I will post but with a WAW  warning . . . Then you can take them or leave them. I will attempt to make them as reader friendly as possible without compromising the emotional content. I won't do a re-write because to re-write after I've learnt whatever I've (hopefully) learnt (ie. with hindsight), would be to write it from a whole new perspective. I needs to be as it was . . . In the beginning. I know . . . Serious stuff.

So here comes the first one written last night. This one was essential to show me why I went from having a perfectly restful day . . . to using. I know, I know I feel like all the idiots under the sun put together this morning, but I have to be totally honest with myself to get anywhere. It goes against everything within me to confess this again. It would be so much easier not to; to simply attend N/A tonight and write about that instead. I'll write about that as well. This isn't about the easy option. This is about all aspects, the struggles and battles lost as well as the victories.

I'm in no way trying to justify using, quite the opposite. I had done six nights clean . . . Ten weeks ago I would have thought that impossible. I mustn't lose sight of the positive in a mire of negativity, no more than I should white wash the incdent by praising myself for the other six days.

For anyone who hasn't the time or the inclination to read, let me just say please bear with me on this. I will be free. I would hate to think anyone feels as though they are wasting their time or effort in commenting and helping me. I feel pretty bad for the many of you that have seen or are still seeing relapses in the ones you love . . .  I'm aware that the last thing you want is to come here and read about another battle lost.

If it feels like I'm not listening or, God forbid, throwing away all the good advice and support . . . that is so not the truth. I'm sorry if it seems that way . . . please believe me. If you've already lost patience with me,  pop back in a few weeks to catch up on the good news. If you're judging me for using last night please read the following WaW before you make up your mind. As much as I value and appreciate you all, if I tried to consider what might please and entertain along with what might annoy or offend every reader  . . . I'd be sat here considering for some time . . . .

So with no further consideration I will go and hit publish on my first "reader friendly" WAW post.


  1. Failure isn't falling down - failure is staying down.

    I had a year of nonsense with my drinking, now admittedly I had the "I'm going to drink normally" thing going on but I continually failed, repeatedly found myself pissed, confused, angry and bewildered.

    And I'd resolve again - tomorrow better it will be. And it was some days... then... bang pissed again! WTF!!! How'd that happen?

    In the end I had my last drink, I was beaten, I went through a lot of pain emotionally trying to get to understand me, my drivers, my triggers etc. Now nearly 8 years sober I still can't work out why I've not drunk today vs all those days 8 - 9 years back when I failed to stop. It just happened. I know guys who went to AA for years and were leaving the meeting early to get to the shop before it shut to get the vodka. Then one day they walked home and haven't drunk since - how? why?

    I don't lose faith in you - it is hard to stay clean/sober for any addict

    1. Wow!!
      I'd only just published this and there was your comment.
      I will go and publish the first WaW now . . .
      Thanks for having faith in me and understanding the fight.
      It means a lot to me, as I'm sure you know. I will do this. Love and hugs.

  2. Oh this isn't for US. This is all about YOU. You do it however you need to do it. And stumbles happen. The difference I see in you is there are no excuses. You are so painfully honest....which is a beautiful thing. You don't justify, or try to make us think it was *really* ok just this one time. I for one will keep reading here as long as you keep posting. I am rooting for you in a big way! You are making progress....its not about perfection. Its about making the progress.

    1. I know Annette, but I do appreciate the support that has built up over time ... I would, of course, still carry on this journey and blog alone, but it's a much better place for all of you!
      I could see how people would think "O hello, here we go again . . . is this just gonna be another I use/I don't use" bloggery (blaggery)
      All I can do is be honest as there's no point being any other way.
      I'm glad you're here for the journey, be it smooth or bumpy x
      It most definitely is progress! You're right, again!

  3. Lovey - you know I'm all about writing, writing and more writing! I'll read each and every word and I'll never, ever see you as a failure. I'll never, ever be let down. One day at a time, one moment at a time. Much love to you!

  4. You have awareness and regret. That is a good thing. I don't mind whatever you write. I have heard a lot in listening to fifth steps and others tell their story. I hope that you keep writing.