It's taken me a week to get to this point . . . I won't be long, I will explain more when I'm better. I hope I get better. I don't think I can afford to wait until a detox becomes available. I have been ill to the point of confusion. Total confusion. Lack of oxygen. The Dr. has been and I am on the mend but that was the scariest ever and I should've been in hospital. That was Sunday. Where are we Wednesday? Shit did I wish for my periods back in my last post/comment? Well I sure got one . . . A year after my last one! I'm not gonna edit or spellcheck this . . . I'm lucky to be here. I honestly had visions of Geekster having to write my last post for me (he'd be the only one who would know my password etc) Stropster is not happy . . . he has had to learn how to use the washing machine, dryer, heating, hot water, cooker . . . How to pack his own lunch. Poor lad . . . He is so cross with me. How dare I be this ill? I can see his point. Fuck off Anon I'm in no mood for you so don't even think of commenting.
This is why I have to stop . . . and this is why I have to stop now . . . Next time could be the last time . . this time almost was. My lungs will take no more. No more. Please God that I can say No.
I have to sleep. I want to catch up on all your Blogs and I will . . . Soon. Thanks for reading. Take good care and appreciate those lungs. I love you.
Ps. Stropster reliably informed me on his lunch break that it isn't a year since my last period . . . That last time I got ill (?October? ) I also had one. Poor lad. Poor fucking Kids. I love them so desperately. Why can't I be right for them.
You've just made me very grateful for an awful lot all of a sudden. I know that doesn't help you but thanks all the same.
ReplyDeleteAlso - don't let go of how shit this was. I have to remind myself repeatedly and frequently how bad I was feeling at the end of my drinking - physically I wasn't too bad, emotionally I was an utter and total wreck. I just wanted to curl up and disappear forever into a big black hole where it all went away and stayed away... couldn't happen so I had to find another way - I was very lucky I found one. I'll be hoping you fine one too. Take care
Hey I'm getting good at making you grateful . . . That's twice now ;-)
DeleteI wish I was you so many years into recovery, looking back, grateful for the change. Grateful for the strength to change. I won't forget . . . I'm about to record a video of myself in this state. (for private use) Hell I wouldn't inflict that on anyone . . . though it might be a good "stop smoking ad" . . . Yes physically, emotionally . . . all of it, I don't think I can sit around waiting for school places, hosp beds, local authorities . . . Bull by the horns and all that. Easy said though. All easy said. Now I, like you, have to find another way . . . Soon. Take care
hey bugerlugs.... all bad news, hope u feel better and get better soon, sending all my love.
ReplyDeletexo(xoxoxo a few extra for you) lilly.
ps....message for bugerlugs anonymous commenter... get fucked from me too! man up and leave ya name.
Thanks Lilly,
DeleteI just gotta say No. How easy is that eh?
Still on-going missing persons enquiry re Brother. Seems lease on plot may have ran out? . . . They will let me know . . . and I will let you know. Thanks. Love x
do you know what the go is when a lease runs out. there has got to be some kind of normal practice in place to store atleast the headstone or what ever was there. do you mind me asking what year he died in caus i got a family friend who is a chaplain in the city and he wants to help too. i hope i can be of some use to you. anything you need let me know as im happy to go see whoever it is u need to see here as its a small place and no effort to get anywhere. hear from you soon, xo lilly
DeleteI have No idea lovey. I'm dealing with Wendy @ SA in Adelaide. Also my Sister is involved now (nr Sydney) as filing a missing person thingy (even if deceased) had to be done from London if I did it . . . Whereas Sis can do it from Sydney. He died on 20.12.83 by suicide in Adelaide. I have to Email you his full name as I don't want my surname on here. Not sure why. . . All my photos and family, I haven't left myself much anonimity. I don't think he had a headstone. x
DeleteOk defo 20.12.83 . . . but with time difference that could be a whole day . . . That's the day the police came to Mum's door. No one seems to have ever seen death certificate but my Sis was at the "funeral" in Adelaide and slept the night at SA shelter in Adelaide. She was 24 at the time. He was 27.
Delete{{{bugerlugs}}} I hope that you feel better soon. I also hope that you can detox safely and soon, the video idea is a great one! Sending you my best!
ReplyDeleteThanks L . . . I hope so too x
DeleteI was wondering where you were...glad you are on the mend. I won't pretend to understand a bit of what you were going through or why but I do hope that you can seriously get yourself off the crap - not just for your kids but for you. I wonder if the pms prompted your episode - I know that I can really go off - especially back when my periods were scarce - but even now I can get deeply disturbed and do things beyond what I normally would. Thing is, I know that too much alcohol or caffeine had a big effect on worsening the pms - and that the pms made me reach for them more - same thing for you maybe on another level? Anyway, I'm really hoping the best for you so you can move on to better things. Once you are free, and you deal with whatever put you there in the first place (honestly), you'll be amazed with yourself.
ReplyDeleteO Jeannie . . . I tried to keep up with your blog. My eyes and head hurt so bad I couldn't read. But I saw your painting of water and Jess and photo of cat . . . Shit I have honestly never thought myself so close to death. The worse thing is at the time I would've just welcomed it. Looks like I might have another chance here. I have to stop it somehow and I don't think my lungs will wait for detox beds, school places etc. I will post soon on what went wrong . . . Meantime Take care and thanks as always for your comments and making me laugh.
DeleteHi Bugerlugs! Glad to see that you're writing again! it's so hard to do the right thing or even to know what is right some times. I hope you feel better soon!
ReplyDeleteI was too ill to even open the laptop . . . I know what the right thing to do is . . . Stop. But that's easy said. I realy have no choice. Stop or die. Simple.
DeleteYes, stopping using is definitely easier to say than put into action. Although I don't know the details of your illness, it sounds very serious from what you've shared. I always feel like one doctor says to do one thing, and then of course there are all the people who rave about a homeopathic remedy. Getting a 2nd opinion is also an option sometimes. I guess I'm referring to my own Hep C which is not nearly as serious as your illness. But I can't decide whether to do the treatment or wait it out until another medicine comes on the market. I'm beaming positive energy and encouragement from across the Atlantic to you :-)
DeleteWelcome back. So sad that you had to go through such and awful time, so glad you are on the mend. And your children have love and lots of it, which is more than lots of their peers. Might not look conventional - but who cares.
ReplyDeleteThankyou for your kind comments, as always.
DeleteI totally agree about not caring how it looks.
Now I just have to give my lungs a chance so I can keep on loving my kids a bit longer.
((((HUG)))) Oh you poor thing. Per my usual...I wish I could make this easier, better, ok for you. I am praying for you Love.
ReplyDeleteThanks Annette
DeleteI must say I am worried. It's Thursday now and I still can't get up. I need and want to be better. Just better enough to cope. The good news is I can't use and I hope/pray/intend that I will not use again when/if I get better. Thanks lovey x
Am relieved to see you!I missed you .Sometimes when these things happen,they leave a mark on us and change our behaviour whether we like it or not.And then one day we look back and realise how far we've come......sending you as much positive energy as i can muster in one blast across the snowy landscape of england xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
ReplyDeleteps i am reading a book called"women who run with wolves" and in it it said that at most times in a woman's life there is another woman who inspires her,who encourages her creativity,"the little wild mothers.."i sat there and thought,no,not me,i don't know anyone like that.And then i thought of you and realised it's you..!
Bless you Lovey . . . Just one thing . . . How come you get reading time?! ;-)
DeleteYou spot on that it's happened for a reason . . . and now something else has. I will post on it. But the gist is. Dr. cancelled due to snow . . . I decided I would get up and clean the house . . . I know, don't ask how I just did . . . and I just have. Unbelievable. It musta been all that energy you sent me. Thanks Annie. Love to you n yours x x x