Monday, 20 February 2012

Goals for this week . . . and one more thing.

Ok somehow this week I have to get Geekster to sort out the cable for the scanner and show me how to use the damn thing . . . There are so many pictures, drawings etc I would like to put on my blog and taking a photo of them with the webcam is just not good enough . . . Especially when I have a scanner here. It has to be done . . . This week.

Whilst I have Geekster locked in, I have to get him to show me how to use the camera on his iphone then transfer the pictures to my laptop . . . another cable/lead to find. I know this sounds very straightforward and probably will be when we finally do it . . . So we just gotta get on and do it. . . . This week.

Basically what it amounts to is getting Geekster to stay in after school for an hour (or so), find the appropriate cables, slow down his brain and speech to accommodate my speed slowness of learning . . . Not get irritable when I need something repeating twice a few times  . . . and to just realise that I need these things.
I'm fed up of saying I will post a photo and not being able to do it . . . I want to do "before and after" photos of my garden, my teeth, my house . . . my life! and at the rate things are changing I need to start now to get the "before" ones done . . . Or at least this week.

Another good thing that came from me being in bed ill for almost two weeks  . . . I lost 6 kgs! What a bonus. That's a good incentive to carry on and lose a bit more or at least keep those 6 kgs off. It's all in the right direction.

So there we go. Nothing major but these are my intentions for this week . . . along with staying clean. Now why do I feel like I have more chance of staying clean than getting some photos scanned and posted?  Who'd have thought it.

Just briefly (whilst we're on the subject . . . The subject being staying clean in case you didn't notice me steering us there) it is really bothering me that some people don't believe me. I "get" that it shouldn't bother me . . . Or indeed, make any difference to me . . . But it does. I never did lie when I was using and I'm certainly not about to start now . . . And why would I? What's to be gained? My drugs worker did say "Don't expect other addicts to be pleased for you" which I do understand but  . . . I'm not talking about other addicts here . . . Oh I don't know. I just don't get it.

Fortunately I have found some amazing people here who accepted, believed and encouraged me when I was using . . . and and are still doing just that. Thankyou. It means a lot to me that you, who were "strangers", read through my struggles, didn't judge, didn't doubt and helped me to believe it could happen. It has happened and each morning when I wake up and realise in those first few seconds that "it's gone" . . . I'm up and smiling :-) . . . If I was still using I wouldn't even be able to imagine how great this would feel. I couldn't make it up . . . I have to stop letting this bother me.
All I ask is if you think I'm lying please stop reading here . . . Why would you want to read the lies of a deluded junky pretending to be clean?

To all the rest of you from Bangladesh to Bangor . . . Sweet dreams and days. It's never two am? Again! Goodnight all x


  1. Big, big smiles here. You are doing sooooo well. And I love that you are able to start your day with a smile and to start planning other things you would like to do.
    To the non believers? Sod off. Oh dear, here I am getting all protective. I meant it though.
    Hugs from Oz.

    1. Hey I've got so many other things to plan . . . I don't know where to start.
      Well you certainly got rid of the last "troll" with your three questions . . . Thanks :-)

  2. Personally, it never even occurred to me that you could be lying. I don't know why...maybe because there is no broken trust in real life between us. So nothing to mend, no reason NOT to believe you. I am so genuinely happy for you! I hope that comes through in my comments. Also could you let Geekster know that I would love to see your photos and would he please help you this week. Your blogger friends would be so grateful. :o)

    1. Same here Annette, it never occurred to me that people would not believe it. I mean, I know, I did find it hard to believe (I still do really) as I imagined I would have to do at least a hospital detox . . . and even then I had concerns about being back home with triggers and stress. This was the last thing I expected to happen. Your happiness definitely comes through in your comments :-)
      I passed the message on to Geekster and he promised to find an hour for me . . . This week . . . hmmmmmm

  3. Some personal reflections on the ones that "don't get it"...

    For me one person in particular was a problem - he'd offered to be my "sponsor" - although he was as drinking buddy and had no clue. What he didn't like was that a) I finally did it and he'd have to look at himself b) I didn't need his help c) I politely said "You drink, I have association with drinking with you therefore I have to distance myself from you for now to get straight"... He doesn't talk to me anymore - I've tried but apparantly "they" "got inside my head"...

    Others can be because you are doing it without them. You have to you have to do it for you and by yourself, with support but it is all about you, it is the most selfish of things - that hurts others as they through genuine desire to help or just through misplaced ego want to be part of it and so feel rejected.

    It is a complex one - I've seen many people get into recovery and wonder at these complexities they didn't expect - one very simple view I have is that it is a radical change and therefore difficult for them to adjust to. Give it time, they'll either get it and be with you or they won't you can't change it for them... as I said above you have to be ultimately selfish in this for you

    1. Thanks Furtheron . . . I hadn't thought of it like that. I suppose I just expected everyone to be happy abot this sort of thing. Never mind. As you say, I can't change it for them. My SIL (yes the Christian ones ;-) has seen me twice since I got clean . . . and has not even mentioned it!! I mean, come on, what's that about? She is married to my Bro (obviously) who got clean 8 yrs ago in similar circumstances . . . Like I said, I don't understand it. All the years they've talked about how it would be the best thing ever . . . and now this. Thank God I'm not looking to them for encouragement or support . . . Or even just a "well done" ;-)
      Thanks for reading and commenting.

    2. I'm not sure why it says I wrote that at half eleven . . It's half seven in the morning. I must see if I can change that?

  4. It wouldn't have occurred to me to think you were lying.

    It's been my experience that people who suspect others of lying, are generally liars themselves. Or have a lot of experience with people in situations where they lie. Which could be understandable when dealing with an addict. In such an instance, perhaps it is a healthy dose of skepticism they've got than total disbelief. It probably isn't personal if they are basing their trust on other addicts' behaviour. If they are people who really know you and have never caught you lying before then I don't understand their doubt, unless they are liars themselves as I mentioned first. In any event, all you can do is prove it to them by staying clean and accepting that not everyone can be convinced so easily. Pointless to try to convince them in any way but over time. And try not to worry about it - they probably aren't your best friends anyway

    1. Hi Jeannie . . . Yes I can iunderstand that addicts are not the most trustworthy . . . But there is always the "odd" exception ;-). They've certainly not had experience of me lying before.
      As you say, the longer it goes on the more they will see the results. I suppose it was just something I hadn't expected to come across.
      Right . . . Off to choose more wool with Mother as she's finished the jumper and needs another one to knit!

  5. It didn't even cross my mind for a millisecond that you'd be lying about not using. Your posts changed. You're more upbeat and happy with yourself and life in general. It just shines through.

    To touch a bit on what Furtheron was talking about; My bestest friend lives in another state and I shared with her over the summer my story (I won't hi-jack your blog to much LOL). Then I let her know I was starting the steps and she she just about fell onto the floor in shock. She acted like I was entering a cult of some sort and was afraid I was going to become "one of them". I explained to her how I was working it MY way. Long story short, we talked the other day, she asked how I was, how D was and I let her know he got his one year chip and I was on my fourth step and she clammed up. I had to let her know I was still the same person, just trying to figure out how I got to where I was now in life...

    It's funny how people react to your sobriety or how you choose to maintain it, whether it's in a program or on your own. I did my own sobriety on my own and am working on myself with D's sobriety with the steps.

    I think sometimes people are afraid to face themselves.

    1. You can hi-jack my blog anytime ;-)
      Yes it's strange that there should be any other reaction than joy for anyone escaping the claws of addiction to anything.
      I can understand that they may worry for the future and the "how long?" . . . only time will tell on that one . . . It's not as if I've got clean before and then gone back to it.
      I'm glad you can "see" the difference . . . And the others will just have to wait until it's more visible!
      Take care x

  6. I believe you and have never doubted. It's unfortunate that some others don't believe and aren't encouraging you. There will always be those type of people around, I suppose. Not one of the happiest aspects of life. As for your situation - I say, "Praise God!" I don't usually run around shouting that because people will think me a kook but it seems to be appropriate here and I believe he's touched your life and you're certainly inspiring to the rest of us.

    I'd love to see your before and after photos when you get them up. Technology is a pain in the brain! My four year old taught me how to fix our printer last week. How the hell does that happen?!? They must go through computer training in utero these days. ;)

    1. Thanks JJ . . . Yes I know what you mean about God and praise etc . . . But credit where it's due! and there was no denying that one.
      If we hadn't got a bag full of various USB cables all tangled up it might help . . . Geekster just seems to know what each one is for!? and just pulls one out. They all look the same to me. When I've got the Kids' birthdays over with . . . I might just buy my own camera (and cable) and become independent ;-) . . . Waiting for my 13 yr old lad to show me something is very frustrating . . . I want it NOW!!
      Take Care x

  7. I am glad for you. I believe you and know that you are sincere. After all, I have no reason to doubt that you don't want what is best for you. Take care.

    1. Thanks Syd . . . It did take me by surprise and I was a bit fearful of "looking" to see if it had really gone . . . But I've had a look and it has gone.
      Thanks for your comment. You too take care.

  8. Re: the holiday - it is also Pancake Day here/Shrove Tuesday - or I assume it is anyway - this is something that is largely ignored by the majority here I think - I think my mother would do pancakes at least when we were little but I'm not a pancake lover so I probably didn't pay any attention. However, I believe our church sometimes had a pancake breakfast on the Sunday before or after. I think the holiday may have had more to do with Valentine's Day believe it or not - as it occurs the Monday after Valentine's unless it falls on Valentine's itself. I think. Here, adding another Christian religious holiday would be suicide for any politician, especially one that was rarely observed.

    Hope you are still feeling good. I am amazed that you have done so well so far. You wanted to be clean so badly, and then your body made it happen in a very unpleasant and scary but seriously crucial way. Were you sick long enough to be detoxed physically? Did that add to your misery while you were sick do you think? What I mean is that while your lungs certainly were infected and you'd have been fevered, do you think that the withdrawal symptoms might have masked by the fever - which symptoms would have been amplified? Did that make sense. In other words - did you appear sicker than you might have because of withdrawal while at the same time, not recognizing withdrawal because you had serious symptoms anyway? Kill two birds with one stone.

    Since you've come through with flying colours (at least I hope you are still improving even if emphysema is irreversible), it would be interesting if "they" might have an easier time of detoxing others if they could induce an illness in them - highly unethical of course - but it would be an interesting concept to use guerilla bioweapon/intervention tactics on addicts to help them get clean. That could make an interesting storyline for a book huh? Because you know that it could never be done safely and it would only work on those who would use the opportunity to get clean anyway - those intent to use would take it up again anyway.

    1. Hi Jeannie . . . only just saw this on my way to bed. Yeah that would be a very interesting storyline for a book. But I have to admit . . . I din't really fully detox as I'm prescribed Methadone. I get 70ml a day and whilst I was using of an evening I was taking approx 40ml in the morning and not taking the other 30ml at night . . . Unless the gear was totally crap. The first night I went without gear I was ok, by the second evening I would've noticed something . . . so I did 20ml to replace my evening smoke.
      The next thing will be to work out a reduction on my Methadone which can be done gradually and relatively easily as it's not something I would crave or want. In fact I'll be glad to see the back of it. There is no "pleasure" in it. It literally just stops withdrawals.
      So although I didn't detox physically as such what amazed me was "the cravings" just disappeared.
      Usually it wouldn't matter how much Methadone I had . . . Like most addicts I would still crave to use Heroin. Which is why Methadone rarely works.
      I've been on and off Methadone as a way to manage my habit for the full 12 years of my addiction. It helps keep use to a minimum (for financial/criminal/health reasons) but it never quite takes away that wanting . . . It can't replace Heroin.
      I think Gleds once said it's like giving someone a raincoat when they are cold . . Whereas Heroin would be like giving them a duvet. But it does deal very well with withdrawal symptoms.
      I replaced my smoke with 20/25ml of Methadone but whenever I've tried that before I've still been driven to any lengths to go and score and use on top of that dose . . . Just to use. I had to. But this was different. The urge went. The desire went. I said No and somehow I meant it.
      I hope this is not too waffled as I'm a bit tired. I hope it makes sense.
      If one was to try and totally withdraw during an illness it would have to be some serious illness to over-ride the withdrawals. I did total cold-turkey once, 8 yrs ago for about 6 weeks when I was otherwise quite fit (before any lung damage) and it was horrendous. Every second is amplified . . It is proper harsh physically and mentally. I don't think anything short of a coma would mask that, there are places that force a three/four day coma to get you over the worst . . . but even on day five it's far from over.
      I wouldn't want to do that again.
      I think to steadily reduce my Methadone would be the best plan now.
      The cravings were always the hardest to deal with . . . and they've gone. Baf!! Gone! :-)