Tuesday, 21 February 2012

Guilt, gunk and pickled Jalapenos

I've postponed Pancake day until tomorrow. I have the ingredients for the pancakes but the kids Geekster always wants some obscure filling which means buying a whole jar just to be used once then chucked next year . . .  So as it's "weekly shop" tomorrow he'll have to wait. Yet another small but significant freedom gained from being clean. No more guilt driven compensation. Ha. I hadn't bargained for quite so many rewards.

O shit how have I gone from pancakes to getting clean in four lines. That's barely an intro is it? But whilst I'm here I'll just explain briefly what I mean . . . although it's probably obvious even to a non-addict what I mean.
The guilt didn't come from them "going without" . . . O no they never went without . . . Quite the opposite. Never even missed a Pancake day! The guilt was all within . . . As in, if they had (God forbid) missed a pancake day or lived through an other such life-wrecking trauma . . . In my mind it would be blamed, in my head, on me being an addict . . . It couldn't be simply about not having any Nutella until tomorrow . . . and even if it was then that would be because I was an addict. How dare you not have Nutella in a house with three kids?  Yes I bet I know where that Nutella money went . . . And the Jif lemon . . . Call Social Services this is tantamount to abuse!
Ok you get the picture. . . and this applied from pancake day through birthdays right round to Christmas. I had to get it right every time. No room for compromise. So  . . . Gone. No more  . . . No more guilt. No more compensation. I can relax and put Pancake day off for a whole day . . . and guess what? . . . No-one gave a damn ;-)

Other than that I have a dental appointment tomorrow to have impressions taken . . . Well you can imagine the horror films that I'm dreaming up about that. Actually you probably can't unless you're as bonkers as I am . . .  You see when you bite into those denture shaped troughs full of fast drying gunk there is a lot of (fast-drying) gunk-displacement and where does it go? . . . down your throat, that's where . . . fast drying? . . . and there's not much you can say in the time its drying . . . Whilst the dentist counts, with his back to you . . . "Keep biting!" Seventy five . . . Seventy six . . . Have you ever tried to un-bite? impossible. Or say "Ermm . . . Excuse me, please? . . . I seem to be choking here" . . . Impossible.

I think I better change the subject as it's only twelve hours away . . . That's if I can. I suppose the less teeth you have the less (fdg) displacement occurs which is good news for me . . . I only have six top teeth . . . Yes, six . . . I best get those "before" photos done before it's too late. Geekster? camera? scanner? cables? . . . No news there then.

Quiet day today . . . Busy day tomorrow. I'm off to write my shopping list starting with Nutella . . . and pickled jalapenos for the savoury pancakes . . . Unless last years jars are still ok ;-)

Hopefully I will survive the dentist and be back tomorrow. Sweet dreams and sweet days x


  1. What a relief huh...no more guilt! And no need to be a perfect mama to over compensate. I have had a couple crowns done and the dentist is usually pretty good about putting just enough cement gunk so that there isn't a ton of overflow. You could ask him to pay special attention to the amount he puts in his little moldy maker. :o)

    1. Lol . . I was just off to bed. That made me laugh. I could just see me out of the chair, looking over his shoulder . . . making sure he gets it right . . in his "little moldy maker" :-) Would he not think I was mad . . ha ha x x

  2. Good luck. Dentists are one of my fears. Years back when we lived in the country the dentist was missing the top joint to his index finger. I often wondered whether a patient had bitten it off.

    If I knew where my guilt button was I would disconnect it. It never gives me anything but grief, and is always about things I cannot change. Grr to guilt.

    1. O I know, horrible places . . . I suppose some of the fear is rational . . . But a big part of mine is irrational (over-active imagination). They seem to be a strange breed dentists. . . a weird sense of humour.

      Guilt comes very easily to women. It's an awful emotion and very difficult to get rid of . . . I've still got plenty to face up to. Although it's all in the past now . . . The guilt tends to get carried forward with us.
      I'm gonna package all of mine up and throw it out! Good riddance guilt.
      I hope all is good with you.

  3. ah, yes, the guilt. I am still very familiar with it. For me, it's hard to shake but for very different reasons under different circumstances. *sigh*

    I'm glad that you are being set free of those feelings, you deserve that freedom and all that comes with it!

    Good luck at the dentist!!

  4. Aye It comes in all shapes and sizes . . . And they're all hard to shake.
    I wish I could just package it up and chuck it . . . That's wishful thinking.
    I hate to sound sexist but do you think guilt is felt more by women? I don't know that I've ever known a man (and I've known a few) to be tormented by guilt over anything . . . And I'm not talking saints here ;-)
    Dentist story posted. Now I can start on horror films about the hospital and the anaesthetic . . . God help me. Take care x