So just a real quick up-date. Back to the Dr tomorrow. The anti-biotics have made no difference. I'm all out of breath. The good news is I haven't used. You may think, well that's because you're ill . . . Believe me even when I was in hospital with pleurisy and pneumonia I found a way to use . . . So this
is something new. I fear it might be too little too late but of course I'm hoping for one last chance . . . This was meant to be
the year.
I might as well have a
little moan whilst I'm here. My family (Mother and Hubby, Brother and wife) yes the Christian ones who both live within four minutes walking distance have not once offered to feed my kids or bring round something for my kids to eat in a week of me being seriously ill. Now if I was a member of their
middle class social club Church, people would be taking it in turns to bring round a casserole, stew etc because . . . here goes . . . They are so fucking stupid they think God only sees how they treat other Christians (or church members) No, this isn't true . . . The truth is in fact worse. It doesn't matter to most of them what God sees . . . It matters what other Church folk see. They are
way more important. If they were to deliver a daily meal for my kids no-one at Church would know . . . God would know but Hey let's get this straight, Its not God who's judging them . . . It's the Pastor, The Elders, Those who fucking count! Yet when they do these good deeds within the church, not only does it get noticed, it gets a mention on a Sunday . . . Well, Well Done You, You wonderful, kind, caring, compassionate fuckers you. Yes I'm angry.
So they offer "Can I get you any shopping in?" "Sure, yeah . . . I can't even walk to the kitchen let alone cook, you arseholes" O God help me. And I mean that. Please God help me . . . Please can I just be well enough to care for my kids? I can't afford Take-away every night.
I won't have to because I have a feeling the Dr will be sending me to hospital tomorrow. I don't want to go. I just watched my only Aunty die there of Emphysema in October last year. We
have had the same disease. I don't want to go there and not come home. Ok so I'm terrified.
Last week I was moaning about my life, my addiction, being trapped . . . All I had to do was stop.
Now I have stopped. I have no desire to use or score . . . Just to breathe. Would you believe it.
Please God that I might wake tomorrow and be well. Or a little better?
AAAARGH. I am not a believer so I won't be praying for you. Just the same I am sending heartfelt get better wishes through the ether to you. I really hope that you find yourself able to breathe and to continue your journey. Hugs from afar.
ReplyDeleteThanks . . . Thanks. "Heartfelt get better wishes" are as much appreciated as prayers/hugs/light or any other bit of goodness sent my way. Truly. Thankyou.
DeleteYour situation is the reason why I get so frustrated with church. It's just all so much hypocrisy isn't it? I believe in God because I had a pretty intense spiritual experience (or a psychotic break) and was once pretty much a holy roller - I wasn't raised in the church so I put on the behaviour I thought was right and hoped I'd one day feel like it wasn't just put on - but I never did feel like myself or feel like I'd be accepted as myself. And the people I did feel accepted by were not people who would be welcome at church. Huh. The church never added up to what the bible spoke to me about what was important. So I don't really bother any more. Maybe you could ask your family to pick up tv dinners for the kids so they can warm them themselves because you just aren't up to it. Maybe they'd get the hint at the seriousness of your condition.
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry you are in such a bad state - and I hope you can improve - that your lungs aren't permanently damaged - they should have you on oxygen or something - puffers for sure. Oh babe, I really hope you get well. It would just suck too much if you were just that little bit too late to stop and have to spend the rest of your life struggling for breath.
I'm really glad that you haven't been using though. I guess you've hit bottom huh?
Be well soon.
O you did make me laugh at 2am with your "psychotic break?" I was just too tired to reply. I need to sort the "clock" out on here . . It's saying all that happened at half 5 yesterday . . Now I might be confused but it was deffo 2am.
DeleteYes, I'm sure there must be some "Good" churches out there . . and there must be some good people even in these awful ones . . . but there's alot of hypocrisy. God must cringe!
I deffo got some permanent lung damage but it was being managed with "puffers" . . . until I realised I had been using an empty puffer for a week . . I know I haven't posted yet about "what went wrong" :-/
So I need to get ready and get to the dr now . . . See what she say. My head pains have gone so some improvement. I think head pains are lack of oxygen . . . Just guessing? Maybe I better ask the Dr.
Sorry to read you're in pain Jeannie :-( I will be back later (either from my bed or hospital bed) to update. Thanks again for making me laugh as always.
Well said about church. The way churches operate was never a part of God's plan, imho for whatever thats worth.
ReplyDeleteIf I lived on your side of the world, I would come and help you. I really would. Please keep us posted...I am praying for you and hoping that you heal in every way thats needs healing. ((((HUG)))) baby girl. I feel so awful for you. the thought of you being afraid just breaks my heart.
The Salvation Army is the best example I have ever seen of a church doing "God's work" . . . I'm sure there are others and plenty of good individuals but there's a lot of churches that have lost their way.
DeleteI do believe you would help me Annette, I really do.
I'm gonna get dressed and go see Dr . . . and try to do as I'm told. I just am proper scared of hospitals . . . and the way they judge when they see addict on the notes.
They think you kinda deserve to be ill . . . I can see their point . . . But I can also see mine.
I'll be back later for sure (from somewhere) Thanks for your love and prayers.
Get well soon!
ReplyDeleteThanks Karl . . . I hope to be back later with an update.
DeleteI don't pray in the traditional sense but I am praying you come through this. Hold on...
ReplyDeleteThis does prove you can live without it doesn't it. That is a good thing - hold on to that.
I won't pass judgement on the "church" - I'll leave that to others but I had a couple of bouts of religion in my earlier years - both ended with this kind of issue for me.
Thanks . . . Yes it does prove that doesn't it? And that is a good thing. Maybe this had to happen for that to happen.
DeleteI know not all "Churches" are the same . . . I'm only angry at a few local folk/family. Maybe I will dedicate a post to it one day. Get it out my system as it were. I best go get ready. Thanks for your comments and "prayers" in whatever sense they are ;-)
I stopped going to church for the very reasons that you spoke of, however, I do pray and I'll pray for you to get well and to continue your path to sobriety. Not using is something you can and should be proud of and while it's hard to see that now because you're sick, I hope you'll be well enough soon to see it! You rock!! Feel better soon and I hope your starts helping you soon.
ReplyDeleteHey it seems a lot of us don't do Church for the same reason. I had my prayers answered last night and saw some improvement today :-) I'm gonna post in a bit about how it all came about. Thanks as always for your comments L and I think you did the right thing re work. They didn't deserve you. Take good care.
DeleteHi, been reading your blog awhile, and have to comment today. I consider myself a Christian but don't go to church when they preach about having a personal relationship with God, then go on telling you how to live your life while laying down the guilt. Well, I believe God sees you, and that you are a fundamentally good person who causes no harm to anyone (but yourself!) and you love your kids and want the best for them. So I will be saying a prayer for you and I believe God will hear it, and not mind if churchy people can't. I really hope and pray from the other side of the world that you can overcome your health issues, and find peace and happiness and see all your dreams for you and your children's futures fulfilled.
ReplyDeleteRegards from Kiwigirl.
Hi. I feel like I "know" you from Gledwoods. You always left long, caring, interesting comments. In fact I checked a few times to see if you had your own blog . . . But no.
DeleteThanks so much for commenting today and for caring enough to pray. Truly appreciated. Good to "see" you here.
I find religion in general confusing. They say God this and that, that and this. I have too many questions and not enough answers. I've met more hypocrites than true believers of whatever faith they profess to be of.
ReplyDeleteBut my daughter died so it complicates things. I have to believe I will see her again. For me, I believe it will be much simpler than we've made it out to be. We'll all find out one day.
I wish I could help you in some way other by commenting.
Yes I try to keep my faith as simple as possible . . . I don't like to have to justify or explain it. Or find proof of it. It is what it is. I see my prayers being answered . . . that's enough for me.
DeleteYou did help today in some way other than commenting . . . Your post helped. As soon as I got in from the Dr it's the first thing I saw . . . I have to follow it through. I will follow it through somehow soon.