Monday, 27 February 2012

That was close

Just a quickie to say Geekster finally got the scanner up and running. He gave me a lesson in how to use it then said "Ok, go pull a photo out and I'll watch you scan it . . . to make sure you understand" :-) . . . This was a lucky dip from hundreds of pictures. On holiday in Spain. Stropster having fun and Geekster no doubt having a "Eureka" moment or similar . . . He's such a Geekster. Bless him. So I proved myself by scanning the photo. He tried to hide his surprise. I made pancakes to thank him . . . Yes with Nutella.

I walked into the back garden on Saturday afternoon and decided it was time to start some work . . .  Three hours of raking later I knew I'd gone too far. Really, I knew after two hours but I had to be absolutely sure . . .  I was absolutely sure on Sunday when I tried to bend my back. It's a good start though.

I had to fight the urge to score tonight. I'm not sure why . . . Apart from stress, back-ache and tiredness. Hamper G would not settle and has only just gone to sleep at 10pm, that really does annoy me. She is constantly with me from 7am and by 7pm, quite frankly, I've had enough. She was over-tired and gripe, gripe, griping . . . It was seriously grating on me . . . testing my nerves. I  must say I came very close. I knew it would kill the back ache and un-knot my stomach. I tried to think further ahead . . . I would wake up feeling shit tomorrow . . . Not just physically but I'd be pissed off with myself . . . Also I would worry that any future stress would cause the same reaction. That could be a daily occurance.

So I'm grinding my teeth very slightly . . . My legs are aching and I'm a bit wound up. Part of me is thankful it's too late to score . . . Part of me says "You idiot . . you could've been well chilled by now" . . . Well it can fuck right off. I'll go to bed with my aches and my frown and grind my teeth . . . And I'll wake up brighter and stronger for having said "NO"

I didn't expect every day to be easy.

The weather is about to improve. Thursday till Sunday is gonna be warm and sunny . . . Gardening weather.

She's awake and griping again, after precisely one hour of quiet. Barely time to wind down. All I can think is thank fuck it's too late now. For real. Patience and strength please . . . Now? . . .??


  1. :o( What do other mom's do in that situation? Take an ibuprofen? Lay down with the little one til they fall asleep? What are your other options? Imo, maybe a plan for when you have a rough night....several plans, people to call, books to read, things to do, so when things are tough, you know ahead of time what to do.

    I'm sorry its hard tonight. I wish it wasn't so. I wish it was just easy everyday. But apparently, thats not how it goes, ever. If it did, we would have a world filled with clean drug addicts.

    1. Hey . . . How happy am I this morning? yay!!!
      I couldn't work out why Hamper was complaining that her legs hurt . . . She woke up on and off through the night asking for me to rub them (I didn't have Calpol in) Then I realised . . . For the last few days, we've been in the garden, she has been on the trampoline! (after not much use for the winter) So her legs were aching. Simple!
      I will buy Calpol for her and Ibuprofen for me, Today. And Thank God for another clean day. Love and hugs x

  2. Well - good for you for holding out on yourself. Maybe get some ibuprofen for future pain. Is Hamper G coming down with something?

    Anyway - good job on the yard too.

    1. Yes . . . Ibuprofen for me today and Calpol for Hamper G.
      I realised it was because she had been on the trampoline for the first time this year . . . And over-done it . . . Like me ;-) So half the night I was massaging her legs.
      I'm sooo pleased this morning to wake up tired but not "that" tired. Love and hugs x

  3. Sounds like one long night with back pain to top it off. I'm so glad to hear you didn't score. I only had to raise one kid so I can imagine that times three what you are going through being a mum. But you're doing a good job. Hang in there sweetie!!!

    1. Thanks Barbara . . . Yes some days it can be a tad testing ;-)
      I'm so glad I held out. I was in such a bad mood and didn't get much sleep as Hamper needed her legs rubbing through the night. But today is a new day . . . Hugs n love x

  4. Yeah, well done for resisting that urge. And I can only back up what the others have said, an anti-inflammatory like Voltaren (or it may be known as Diclofenac there) is great for back pain. I work with pre-school children all day, and have brought up two of my own, so I know that whining can be the most annoying noise in the world. Tough love is the best thing, but it's really hard when you are doing it on your own. Hang in there.
    Cheers from N.Z Kiwigirl

    1. Hey Thanks . . . Yes that whining can really grate when you're tired.
      She should be in school but there are no places available at the minute . . . They best make one soon!
      I rely on the night for my "time out" and when the day carries on through the night, well I get a bit shaky to say the least.
      O well It's a new day and I'll go buy some (legal) painkillers today for us both (Hamper G had overdone it on the trampoline)
      Hoopefully we'll get an early night. Hugs n love x

  5. And cheers from Oz as well. You are doing so well, and resisting temptation when you are tired, sore AND pissed off is really impressive. Perhaps garden a little more gently? Says the woman who has (literally) crawled inside when I have over done it. I don't know what people driving past thought as I crawled across the lawn, to the steps and dragged myself upright(ish) using the railing.
    Well done. So proud of you. Nearly as proud as you should be of yourself.

    1. Well thats two good laughs this morning from you :-). . . The first one was Jewel with her graceful, upright pounce!
      Now you crawling across the lawn . . . and suggesting I garden more gently . . . But I will try. It must be addictive.
      It's easy to get carried away in the garden isn't it. I must have put the rake away(almost)four times . . . Then, "I'll just do as far as that bit" . . . then "that bit". You know how it goes.
      Thanks for your encouragement and understanding as always. Hugs n love.

  6. Hiya bugerlugs,
    I can remember days when I was cycling home from work(4miles nearly all up hill) & being ecstatic about having gone another day without gear, I hope you feel the same this morning. No one ever said it was going to be easy & it's not. I often wonder how "straight" people cope, I suppose I'll learn as time goes by, because I don't believe in "once an addict always an addict" Yesterday was my first day without gear for a couple of months & I 've got to admit I feel ok this morning. I wouldn't call methadone a wonder drug but it does do it's job.
    It sounds to me like your battle is starting to kick in. "STAY STRONG & BELIEVE IN YOURSELF"

    Ps. A hot bath with some relaxing herbs may help with your back.

    (This bit was supposed to be in the middle somewhere) Here's 1 little idea, if you're not spending money on gear maybe you have a little left over, so why not try a shiatsu massage or something similar. It's VERY important that you make some time for YOURSELF. I'm not sure how old your little ones are but one day not so far away they'll be at school or playgroup & this will give you some time to concentrate on you !

    1. Hi Karl . . . Yep I'm very pleased it was too late to score as I think I may have relapsed if it wasn't. But it was and I didn't so that's good!
      Methadone certainly deals with withdrawals but when the mind games kick in . . . It doesn't really help.
      I hope you're doing well on day 3.
      Yeah Hamper G is 5 next week and should be in school but they've built too many new houses and the school is full :-/ I know, it's disgusting isn't it . . . if I was to keep her off school they would prosecute me.
      A massage sounds like a fine idea. It is that time for "myself" that I need . . . and I rely on the evening for that. So when that goes wrong I do get a bit frazzled.
      Hopefully tonight will be fine. Hugs n love. Stay strong

  7. When I was first sobering up I had many days where I'd get to the end and think - How the hell did I not drink? I even had to be talked in to home on the phone by friends some times to avoid hitting the pub. But like you say next day wake up - no headache, no sweaty bedsheets, no feeling like crap physically and emotionally ...

    every day clean is progress... well done!

    1. Yes my first waking thought, well my second thought after ouch! my back . . . was . . whoo thank God for that. Although I can't take the credit . . . I think it was just that bit too late. Thankfully.
      Thanks . . . love n hugs (I'm feeling generous today ;-)

  8. Rock on, chickie!! I'm so happy for you! I'm glad that you got on here and journaled a bit and were able to find an outlet and got yourself through the temptation. And, you can to take the credit (reading above comment) - because you didn't succumb to the urge.

    Much kudos on one more day!

    I love the picture, it's so adorable. And, I love the fact that you learned how to operate the scanner too! Now you can take pictures of your teeth, like you wanted too. Awesome!