Wednesday, 5 October 2011

Bad start . . .Good sign

Yeah well today was never gonna be a good day to start . .not been too well for a few days now, which has meant my slaving on  16 yr old son has not been up to standard . . .and hit rock bottom this morning when, after getting up at 7am to get his pack up ready, I  realised we were "out" of cereal bars and pasta salad pots & left what amounted to half a pack up on the table . . .& it was all downhill from there really, down a very steep fast hill, at the bottom of which was an ultimatum . .Learn to control your tongue & temper or move out. After 30 years of relationships with men I decided 4 years ago (just after my youngest was born) enough was enough . . .the bad was outweighing the good. Usually due to there being heroin between us, fooling us it was bonding us closer together while it ripped us apart. Anyhow having got used to this plain sailing, I suddenly find myself living with another male"kidult" who seems to think since he has left school & started work . . .that he is  "the man" of the house. And although he came in from work remorseful  with a box of chocs . . .I get the feeling that battle is not yet over . . .wearying thought.
So after stopping the tears & emotions with twice my usual amount of gear and justifying it with all the turmoil I decided to try & play around with some blog options. I chose one of my favourite paintings as a header which originally went right across the page . .It wasn't how I wanted it but I was pretty impressed it had even appeared there so wasn't about to mess with it . . . Then wrote a "brief description" to go across the header.This was all a bit trial & error  and the next time I viewed the blog the painting had shrunk and the description had been fitted in to it. This wont do . . . or will it? As i sat wondering whether I could be bothered finding out where to go to change it . . .I noticed the sun was right behind the "50" !! This I took as a good sign . .a vey good sign. I could not have planned it and thats how I like it. I dare say if I hadn't just numbed all my feelings I would be feeling hopeful, what a shame. Foolish girl.


  1. What I remember about being on gear with a partner (which was 10 years ago) was manipulating the situation so I'd go into a sulk and she'd eventually snap and say "RIGHT LET'S SCORE".

    The trick was never to be the one who actually said it and I never did. I played that game like a true pro.

    And I was told right from the beginning addiction-wise, that I "had it really bad". And they were probably right.

  2. Gledwood; O that rings some bells. And when you both decide (again) to try n stop. . .and they seem to be handling it better than you . . .Either of us just had to say "I dont suppose . ." and that was it . .some dealers phone would be ringing before "suppose" was out!! I was also told by a former drugs worker that two people trying to give up together is almost impossible . . .that was encouraging :-) The same "worker" called me a "professional user" . .think I took it as a compliment at the time. Then she told me out of the professional users she had known . .none had ever got clean . .more encouragement. Like you once said . ."the first thing you want do after seeing your drugs counsellor is call the dealer" or words to that effect. Then mentally justify it by blaming your "worker" . . O the games x