Thursday, 13 October 2011

Only a fool

Oooo  me heads a mess. The tangle of wet rope that  replaced my brain yesterday feels more like gravel now. I have to keep reminding myself that I've at least reduced my methadone by 20ml/mg a day. As there has been no progress in any other areas. I know its only been a week but weeks add up to months . . . Soon I'll need to make a list of these "other areas", The fact that I haven't already done it speaks volumes. Right, tomorrow morning I'll do it. Its 2.04 am. I fell asleep there for a while in the armchair & woke very suddenly with a magnum craving. Had a magnum. I expect that's another area where there has been no progress. That "area" being somewhere between what used to be my waist and what used to be by knobbly knees. Hey ho.
There's an Italian film on in the background. I love the Italian language. I once totally ruined a female friend's entire week's holiday on the Camargue with me (or without me as it turned out) by falling for an Italian, or more specifically falling for an Italian voice. Some fucking friend I was eh? Anyway more of that in the morning.  I'm getting into my bed before I fall asleep here. I only popped in to post the tune that was in my head. Only a fool indeed. Goodnight All .

. . .  Shit just woke up in armchair again. Face flat onto the chair in front of me that my laptop's on. My glasses embedded in my face. Ouch. Bed. Fool.

. . . 4.50am . . yes still in the armchair. Bed. I can see me missing the alarm in 2 hrs. 2 hrs!?!


  1. Good job on reducing, eye know that can be hard for people.

    Eek, hate when it's hard to sleep in bed, but so easy to fall asleep in inappropriate places. The worst place for me was while driving - it would only be for maybe a second, but it would happen more than once during one trip sometimes!

  2. Heye
    Yeah, not the best place to sleep, behind a driving wheel:-) Read your sad "baby" story the other night :-( . . . but still need to go back n finish. I can understand your fascination with eyes . . I draw portraits & the emphasis is always on the eyes. I think they say so much about a person & its no coincidence that heroin closes the pupil to the light. Physically & spiritually. Thanks for reading :-)

  3. ps. eyelick.
    I meant "baby" as in the cat . . .not the alien :-)

  4. yeah, some people can't read it for whatever reason - eye can read illegible, bad spelling, and bad grammar - so what the hell? :) :) :) :) :) One friend on facebook specifically asked me not to comment to him that way bc it creeped his "besties" out. BESTIES??? Eye refrained from Drawing an emoticon eye in place of every EYE in posts, and instead did (---)
    Thank you. Finally got the ashes back, or what is Hoped to be her ashes. Am getting better at repressing the whole thing, it seems. Am no longer in tears every night. Soon as obligations run out when the semester ends, that may change. may not. There's a support group specifically for deceased pets a few miles from the house, but of course, they meet once a week during a class eye have.

  5. Eyelick;
    I'm sure they will be her ashes . . he wouldn't pretend all that, surely. People who have pets or have had pets do understand the pain. I had a cat Zephod die when I was 17. I was devastated finding him behind the sofa, he was stiff but I still cuddled him & buried him in my garden at the time. Like any pain it does get less with time, but knowing that doesn't make it any easier at the minute. I hope you're ok

  6. Listen, I know drugs are fun and everything, but I feel fucking sorry for your kids. Four different, absent fathers. Jesus Christ, you're ridiculous.

    1. Try reading the whole Blog first before you judge.
      Who said the fathers were absent??? None of them are absent, just because I'm no longer with them doesn't mean they're not here. I really think you need to read the whole thing frist.
      And as for ridiculous, I'm honest and open (not anonymous) if that makes me ridiculous so be it . . . I presume you are judging from a similar position . . . of having brought three kids up alone?
      Please don't waste your pity on my kids, they're not to be pitied in any way.
      Please read the blog, follow my story if you wish but try not to judge too harshly, if at all.
      Do you pity Angelina Jolie's kids (all with different absent fathers) or is that ok because they have money??
      Just a thought. Take care Anon x