Wednesday, 5 October 2011

Gotta start somewhere . . .

I dont know where to start . .with this blog . .with my life . . I hope writing about this will help me. If it helps anyone else thats a bonus. If anyone reads this its a bonus!! I'm gonna write as though it is a private diary. If I start thinking "what if mum reads it? what if  . . .reads it?" there will be no point me writing any of it. I need to be honest with myself. I have no idea about  how to start a blog . .making it look good. . .putting other stuff on it . .etc . . but i'm sure I can learn as I go along. Anyhow thats irrelevant . .I'm 16 months away from being 50!? surely not . .surely so. Not that I think 50 is special or different . .but it feels like a realistic kind of time scale to put some changes in place. Maybe? maybe not? If I look back to 16 months ago that feels like long enough. . .I suppose it depends on how much work I'm prepared to do . . how much motivation . .encouragement . . suffering . .sacrifice . .hmmmm,.
So what are these changes.Where to start? Where do I want to be at 50? or How do I want to be, nevermind where. I feel a list coming on  . . .I do love a list. Especially if I'm confident about getting everything ticked off the list . . In this case Im not. I've heard it all before. Well maybe not to this extent but similar . . .I may have heard myself think it all a million times, and sometimes even say it but I haven't written it before. Why I think that might make any difference I've no idea but I have to think something will.
Something has to. I cant go on defending this "life" saying all is well . . .all is not well. I am an addict . . .a heroin addict . . .and I feel stuck.
I am also a mother of  three children. I'm a reasonably well "functioning" addict in that I dont have a criminal record . .I have a methadone script in place so I dont have to get "ill" while I wait hour after hour . . .I have reduced myself to one bag a day (of an evening) which all helps me really to justify this life wrecking  substance & behaviour. This is probably the biggest change I need to make . . .but there are more.
I suppose if I stop the gear, other changes will happen because of that. I'm not usually this down or serious, maybe I need to be to realise how wrong this is? I dont know. I know I dont want to be sat here in 16 months saying the same things . . .and I suppose thats all I need to know for now. Or is it?


  1. I just wanted to say while I remember, never forget you have language skills that could come in VERY handy if you ever did something like a bilingual administrator course. Nobody gives much of a fuck about a druggie past these days. A kindhearted boss will just see you as a reformed bohemian and loads of women start careers after years of kids. It's just an idea. I want to get a career with the minimum study necessary... somehow... someway... someday...

  2. Gledwood; Love the "reformed bohemian" bit. Now I just gotta reform myself. But you are right about putting these skills to good use (thats on my list) I do have to attend "back to work interviews" every 6 mnths, in preparation for IF they find my daughter a place in the local overfilled school . Thats another story . . .I have mentioned at these interviews that I would like to reach "A" level standard in Italian & Spanish. Or the modern equivalent of our old "A" levels which is probably a degree. And they swear the exams have not got easier . . .absolute Bullshit. x