C'mon then . . . Smile

Bugger, I cant keep my eyes open.
Ok I finally gave up trying to post and turned my attention to the tv where the film Mamma Mia was starting. I've never seen it . . . If I've heard the phrase "It's a real feel good film" once then I've heard it a hundred times! I've been told by many people, including those who know me well and should know better . . . "Oh you'd love it. I know you don't watch films but you would love this". Well I didn't. It didn't make me feel good or happy.  . . And knowing that it was possibly making several million people happy at that moment with it's "feel good factor" just highlighted my oddness.
Believe me, I don't try to be different or not fit . . . In fact I spent far too many years trying to fit in. Eventually It became clear that it wasn't happening. Also I asked myself why would I want to force myself to become like so many people who quite frankly got on my nerves in a big way . . Surely I would end up getting on my own nerves and that wouldn't be good for my mental health. So I finally accepted that I wasn't gonna fit in. I would be a loner, a misfit, a weirdo and that was fine by me. Having got to this point I can now look back and laugh, cry and cringe about some of my attempts and mostly massive failures to fit in.
The earliest one I can remember was my first and almost last attempt at a fashion "fit in". I wasn't aware of "fashion" growing up. We wore hand-me-downs from the "church", had no access to any media, wore uniform in school and didn't talk much to anyone else in school because . . . well you know why.
However at the age of eleven I had reason to cut through a department store, noticed a "Miss Selfridge" section and immediately became obsessed by a pair of red dungarees . . . I know, well it was '74. Anyway I "knew" these were what I needed to "fit in" . . . O yes these would solve all my problems. Shit! they might even get me some friends. I didn't know how I would get them . .  But I knew I would.
It was not in my nature to want. It wasn't allowed. It had been drummed out of me.We could pray . . . and if it was God's will, then it would happen. O C'mon God, this has to be your will. I don't ever ask for anything. Ever. And you O lord of all people know how much I need these in my life . . . Don't you?
It was during the summer hols and I was at work with my Dad for the day. I'd cleared it with God, I just needed the money now. I mentioned them to Dad a few hundred times. He must've known they were special because I'd never asked for clothes before. Ever. He disappeared on "a delivery" in the afternoon. Thankyou God. I knew he had gone to buy them, I just couldn't understand why later that day at home he didn't have them with him. O well so great was my faith I didn't doubt it . . . I would wait. And sure enough later that evening a lady from our group of nutters that gathered at our house church walked down the drive with a "Miss Selfridges" bag . . . Maybe she'd picked them up? No. My Dad had picked them up and taken them to her to be "embellished". I pulled them out of the bag, falling upstairs to change into them, on they went, they felt great, fitted perfectly . . . I ran into the only room with a mirror to indulge in a rare, enjoyable but very short-lived moment of "vanity". Hold on . . . I don't recall a big yellow "smiley face" sewn on the front bib. O well smiley faces were "cool" at the time. It said "Smile" above the face and . . . O No . . . even though the words below the face were backwards in the reflection I could make them out all too well.  "Jesus loves you".  . . O God. Well what could I say? . . . I had prayed for them. I couldn't deny the fact he loved me. I just didn't want everyone else knowing. It appeared I wanted the whole world to know. Freak. I was not smiling. These dungarees were the answer to my prayers . . . and were supposed to make me "fit in".
This was maybe the first and last time that I prayed for "wordly goods" ;-) Lesson learnt. Unfortunately it wasn't the last time that I tried and failed big time to fit in.