"Like this" means making a huge effort every day to "function". Fighting the urge to use until the evening. Shaking off "The clinging blackness" that surrounds me when I first open my eyes. Forcing myself out of the bed, out of the dark, out of the door . . . Constantly treading water. Getting nowhere. So much effort to keep my head above water. Just above. Sometimes I take in water and panic. Sometimes my legs get so tired I stop treading and let myself to go under. It's dark but it's easy. It's dark but it's quiet. No splashing. No effort. Fading light. Just me and the near darkness. Go away light. Leave me to the dark. But the fading light is still there. Light enough to see. In that light are my children. I can't turn away. They're looking for something. Eyes wide, frightened and lost. Are they looking for me? Ok I'm coming . . . I don't want to but I will . . . I'm exhausted, breathless, floundering, treading with all my strength while they cling to me to keep them afloat. Ok I'm here, I'm back. I'm ready to start again.
No I don't really want to feel like this.
ps. After writing this I went to FB and my neice, Hanneka in Sydney, had posted this. Thanks.