Wednesday, 11 January 2012

Feeling like this

Ok. It's officially over now. Even the toffees are gone . . . Stropster's I mean Geekster is back at school. The Christmas tree is in the loft, well almost. Its underneath the hatch waiting for someone to take it up. It could well be there for six months. Now I have to start making some changes. I don't mean this minute but this year, this month, this week might be a good idea. It all seems a bit massive. Of course it would be easier to stay like this for another year . . . But I don't really want to feel like this.

"Like this" means making a huge effort every day to "function". Fighting the urge to use until the evening. Shaking off  "The clinging blackness" that surrounds me when I first open my eyes. Forcing myself out of the bed, out of the dark, out of the door  . . .  Constantly treading water. Getting nowhere. So much effort to keep my head above water. Just above. Sometimes I take in water and panic. Sometimes my legs get so tired I stop treading and let myself to go under. It's dark but it's easy. It's dark but it's quiet. No splashing. No effort. Fading light. Just me and the near darkness. Go away light. Leave me to the dark. But the fading light is still there. Light enough to see. In that light are my children. I can't turn away. They're looking for something. Eyes wide, frightened and lost.  Are they looking for me? Ok I'm coming . . . I don't want to but I will . . . I'm exhausted, breathless, floundering, treading with all my strength while they cling to me to keep them afloat. Ok I'm here, I'm back.  I'm ready to start again.

No I don't really want to feel like this.

ps. After writing this I went to FB and my neice, Hanneka in Sydney, had posted this. Thanks.

Very little grows on jagged rock. Be ground.
Be crumbled, so wildflowers will come up where you are.
You've been stony for too many years. Try something different.......
Surrender! ~ Rumi


  1. Good luck.

    And thank you for reminding me. This morning I opened my eyes at about 5:45 giving me 15 mins before the alarm forces me into action. It was ok I just dozed, the alarm sounded and I was up and making the tea and pouring corn flakes into a bowl, bath, dressed, goodbyes to my wife and grumpy barely awake teenager, walk to the station, onto the train... lovely sunrise.... off train, avoid coffee shop and into work about 8:20am...

    So what? So I didn't think as soon as my eyes opened "I hate this. My life is shit. I'm a shit. When can I drink today? Lunchtime? Can I get away early this evening? What time can I stay out to and not look like it was deliberate? I'll only have one or two, not many and definitely not the 10 or 11 I had yesterday".

    Every fucking day used to start like that. I forget I'm lucky it still isn't that way. Thank you for reminding me.

    Again - good luck

  2. Furtheron . . . Thankyou. Thankyou for thanking me. I'm glad I've reminded you how "lucky" you are. And you are.
    That's exactly how those first ten minutse are.
    Is it Pay day? . . I hate this . . . What's the earliest I can use? . . .I hate this . . .Shall I use early cus I gotta go do all the shopping? . . I fucking hate this.
    Ok ten minutes later I'm up and doing all those "normal" things in person. But in spirit . . it's too late. The seed has been sowed and then it's just countdown . . How long. How soon. Where's the fucking phone.
    Thanks x

  3. It is such a hard thing to make a big change. It's so scary even when you know things will be better. It's easier to put it off one more day. You are sure it will be better tomorrow.

    All the best. I need to seriously lose weight - a good bit of it. It's not the same as you. But it's hard enough. The mind is fixated on what it wants and fights to keep it.

  4. I'm glad that you are ready to start again and not be pulled under by negative things. Take care of yourself. We grow through the change that we make.

  5. It's so hard when every hour is a victory, never mind the incredible length of a day. Sending many good wishes your way.

  6. Jeannie . . . O how right you are. Circumstances have conspired for/against me tonight and I can't get anything . . . That which I was crying out to stop, to change this morning . . . Is now what I'm crying out for and would go to almost any length to get right now.
    I can hardly believe it's the same two people . . . Scary. Too right, the mind is 100% fixated on that and nothing can shift it.
    It's very easy for me to talk about these changes . . but one tiny step in that direction (and not even of my own doing) and I'm terrified . . . No can do. What fucking chance have I got. Thanks for your comment. Its nice to know people "get it" and understand. Take care.

  7. Syd,
    It seems however "unready" I am to start again . . . I'm compelled to carry on.
    I so need to make this change. I prayed for help . . . And now it's here in the shape of "nothing available" I am tearing my hair out . . . weeping. Not only tears of "going without" and all the emotions that return when that happens. . . but the realisation of just how hard this change would be. Will be? Could be? It feels impossible and I didn't know it would. Thanks for your comment too this evening. It was good to come hesr and read all three.

  8. Syd . . to come here (not hesr). Take care.

  9. The Elephant's Child,
    Thanks for understanding. That is so true. It's a long haul through the day but I so want to make this change. I honestly didn't realise how massive it would seem. Just one night. I hadn't bargained for such a battle. I have to find a way. Thanks again and Take care.

  10. I havent posted for a few days cus i od'd a couple of nights ago I'm kind of glad I'm still here cus the kids would be devastated and i would hate to do that to them. Shit, life can be so crap sometimes.

  11. This post just broke my heart. ((HUG)) What a poignant picture you painted of a life bound up by any sort of addiction/compulsion/need and the desire to stop. I am going to be praying for you. Take good care of yourself.

  12. Karl,
    Wow . . That's scary too. Yes they would be devastated . . . That's the same thing that keeps me afloat (just). Life can indeed be crap . . . and we both know it can be good too. Knowing that, one would think it would make the choice a lot easier. It is huge this addiction (even at "one a day" level) I tried to battle it out last night and I lost. The emotions were unbearable. I wept, sobbed, texted and phoned around all evening until I got . . Then wept all over the foil for hatred of the fucking stuff . . . until the bastard dried my tears once again . . numb. It's the biggest liar I've ever come across . . . and mixing with addicts I've met a few.
    Take Care Karl . . be careful. (we are used to crap gear and you never know, especially in the needle, if it's suddenly strong again)

  13. Annette,
    Thanks for the hug, the understanding and the prayers. They all mean so much to me. This is the first time and place where I've ever been able to say how it feels . . . and to get feedback from genuine, caring souls is very encouraging and uplifting. Thankyou. You too, take care.

  14. hi, sorry for mentioning you in todays post, i've deleted that bit. it was never meant to offend you in anyway and i comprehend why it pissed you off. i'd say some spiritual and motivational words to try and make you feel better .. but i won't in fear of being hypocritical.

  15. Katie,
    It wasn't the "being mentioned" I minded at all and I certainly wasn't offended. Not even pissed off.
    I might have been a bit over-sensitive to you saying that you felt like me because I had searched hard for the words to explain exactly how I felt and I suppose it felt very personal to me and my responsibility towards my Kids. Plus I was feeling quite over-sensitive on the whole.
    I tried to put it nicely. I hope it didn't seem harsh . . because it wasn't meant to be. I'm very careful about how I word things.
    I know you didn't mean that you literally felt like me . . only in so much as everything was an effort. But even that means different things to different people.
    Anyway I hope today's trip went well and look forward to hearing about the "mystery job". Take care.

  16. Ps Katie . . . I'm not sure if I understand that last sentence. I can be a bit slow sometimes, it only kind of occurred to me as I walked back from the shop this evening that it might mean somnething unpleasant . . . which is why I was slow on the uptake because I never expect that sort of thing.

    "I'd say some spiritual/motivational words to try and make you feel better . . . but I won't in fear of being hypocritical"

    Does this mean you would be hypocritical saying these words because you dont really want me to feel better?
    I think it does, doesn't it. I hope I'm wrong.

    Why would you not want me to feel better. I don't understand.

  17. I like you words. You are very different from other addicts. I hope someday you find what you are looking for, and achieve what you want to achieve.

    1. Anon,
      Thanks, I'm not too sure at the minute what I want to achieve or find . . . To be clean for a whole year would be a fine start, then after that . . who knows?
      For now, I'm still getting through one day at a time but hey, that's progress from this time last year.
      Thanks for reading.