Thursday, 12 January 2012

Big Chief tear wiper

I'm gonna try and post this while the memory is fresh in my mind . . . I should've written it at the time. If it doesn't sound like it felt then I will write it again next time . . . there are going to be many next times.

I covered it to an extent in my replies to comments last night as that's when I was "feeling" it. But I need to go further into it to find out what the hell I'm so scared of.
I didn't feel well all day yesterday, like I was coming down with something. Aching joints, ears whooshing, slightly dizzy . . . not good.

I started to try and get my evening score in at about 3pm ish so I knew it would be here as the guy can be a total mess about. Well mess me about he did. He wouldn't answer my calls but he finally answered a text at 6pm to say . . .  "I'll be down soon". . . Soon? What's soon? I asked if I could walk up (2 minutes walk) No reply . . . 7pm I texted again . . . Hello? have you forgotten?

I won't go into every boring text or reply, suffice to say that I was extremely wound up, exasperated and in tears by 8pm. I was fuming. Angry with myself, the gear and him. Amid the tears I started to think . . Hold on . . . This is what you wanted. You want to stop this. This is the help you prayed for . . . Now you can do one night clean. O yeah! . . . Just what I fucking wanted . . . But why not? If you want to get off it you have to start somewhere . . . Yeah but not here. Not now . . . Why? . . . Well because I'm not feeling well for a start and because the seed has been planted. I decided I was using earlier on today and looked forward to it. And I ache all over and I've had a crap day and all this being fucked about and, and, AND . . . . whine, whinge, whine.

Yep any excuse. There was no way I was not using. I was frantic. Texting. Calling. Every single option was covered. People I haven't texted for ages . . .  maybe they knew someone who knew someone?  Maybe not? O c'mon someone must have something. Absolute madness. As though my life depended on it. My persistence paid off at about half nine and off I ran in my pyjamas, trainers and hoody with tears of joy, relief, anger, hysteria and utter madness rolling down my cheeks.

Tears splashed and hissed on the hot foil as I ran the gear . I wept for my children. Wept because they don't get the "full" me. Wept with guilt. And with joy. Wept with anger at myself for letting that arsehole treat me like this. Wept because it was like nectar.  Wept with anger at him for having the cheek to look at me after fucking me about for 7 hours and say "What's up babe? . . . you look like you've been crying?" . . . Anger at myself for being so pathetically afraid of one "night off" . . . at being totally controlled by this  . . . The fear of never being free from it . . . The realisation of just how bound I am by this addiction. Gradually the tears dried. The anger went. With it went the fear, the guilt, the dread . . .  the joy. All gone. Numb. Happy?  No . . . Just numb.

I can't do justice to the emotional turmoil at the moment because big chief tear wiper has been and wiped me numb . . . So I will do it again. I have to do it again. And again. I will do it to find out what it is about the onslaught of emotions that I feel I can't possibly cope with. Why I don't want to feel it all full on. Obviously because the bad stuff is uncomfortable . . . But I'm not only numbing the bad stuff am I?

There's no point me trying to connect with those feelings now. I have to feel them again and catch them full on. Yes it will be uncomfortable . . . but I've noticed that writing it forces me to look at it. To try and put it into simple words means having to de-tangle the mass of emotions, to separate the strands and lay them out one by one . . . the good and the bad. To single out which one/s is/are frightening me so bad that I have to keep running away.

So that was yesterday. I need to find some "fight" from somewhere. What a battle.


  1. Where to start. You are so brave starting this fight. And yes, there will be days/hours when you 'fail'. And also days/hours when you are a winner. Though I have to say that from my perspective you are always a winner just because you are prepared to put in the hard work and look at those strands - the good and the bad.

    1. O this is new . . . replying under each individual reply. It makes sense as you can see what the person has written instead of keep scrolling about.
      I'm not sure how brave I am really . . it's easy to talk the talk and so far that's all I've done. I can see what needs to be done but the other night I was forced into that situation . . . It would be a whole different "game" to voluntarily go into the discomfort zone . . . and stay there examining stuff if I had the option to get out. Hmmm. I hope I can face it. Thanks for all your encouragement. And thanks for reading.

  2. I had no idea you were going through this. You are very brave to be doing this and to be so honest here. I don't know what to say that can help you and I wish I did. I will just say please keep fighting. Don't give up. I've seen people beat this. It can be done. You CAN do it! You will be in my thoughts and my heart.

    1. . . As I said above I'm not sure about brave . . Honest, yes for sure. And I'm hoping being totally honest with myself might lead me to some of the answers. I know some days by evening time I haven't got much fight left in me . . and that's the time I need it. Thanks for your comment and encouragement. It does help.

  3. My daughter was on antidepressants for a few years and tried to get off them. She weened herself off slowly but still, when she was supposed to be able to quit completely - it was so very difficult for her. As she went through it, she wished she'd dealt with her issues without going on them in the first place as it would have been easier. It must be so much harder for you. I don't suppose you could get the kids all off at their dads' or at a friends for a weekend - and invite a hardass friend to stay with you to detox for a couple days to help you get over the hump without putting your kids through it? I know a couple days isn't long enough but in the real world, that might be all you can get huh? I know a little about how crappy it feels from quitting my pain meds over and over - but they made me so sick anyway that it wasn't any worse to go through the chills and shakes and nausea from quitting.

    Don't fret - one day, you'll be able to do it. You'll psych yourself up and say - this is it! I'm done. And you'll be so glad you did - after a while.

    1. Fantastically honest and brave post.

      And there it is laid out - the addiction... it isn't the gear, the high it is the emotion. It is an emotional illness and you are using the gear to deal with it. It was little different with me and the drink. I long stopped enjoying it, it didn't bring me happiness it just brought me the numbness so I could avoid all the stuff I didn't/couldn't face in my emotions.

      You are a lot better off than me, when I stopped drinking I actually thought I a) only needed to cut down and stay at a new "normal" level b) thought the booze was the problem not the emotional fear c) had absolutely no idea about emotions as I'd blotted them out with booze since being a teenager - I was like 14 year old in a 41 year old body - I didn't even have the vocabulary that you have used in this post.

      Take care

    2. Jeannie,
      This is all new . . where each reply to a comment comes under each comment . . . looks like Furtheron replied to you (by mistake) so I will reply to you both under his reply . . Shit I'm confusing myself here :-/
      Anyway no unfortunately the kids all going to their different dads is not an option . . Hamper G's Dad's in prison so I don't get so much as an hour off from her . . and she is the hardest work. Still waiting for the authorities to find a school place :-(
      I think the Kids would be ok if I was a little over-emotional for a while . . . It's a lot to do with whether I can face it and change this habit. At this time of the day I can see it happening . . . Then when it comes to it . . . Well it all changes.
      I'm not sure how it will happen but if wanting it has anything to do with it . . . Then I think it will. Thanks for your support Jeannie. Take care.

    3. Furtheron,
      You've confused us all (well me!) by replying to Jeannie . . . It's this new "reply under each comment" thingy :-)
      Yes Honest is my middle name . . . Honest.
      You are right, It's all about the emotions and I've got a lot of thinking to do about the next step. I did hope (like you) that I could cut down to a normal level. That's good innit . . a normal level of Heroin?!?! So I got down to one a night which can seem like "no problem" whilst the blinkers remain in place. Thats Heroin's biggest weapon . . . keeping your eyes shut to what it is doing. It only takes one hiccup . . to take one step away from it to start making out the shape of it . . . Scary stuff.
      I suppose in a way I was lucky that I didn't start it until I was 37 and although I was a "drinker" for many years before that, I'd had enough mental health problems to learn "how to look at stuff" and that honesty with myself is the one of the most important steps towards change.
      Thanks for your understanding and comments. Take care.

  4. It sounds to me like you have already started on the journey....part of the turmoil you felt must have had something to do with the way you were being treated by "the man",very cruel.Or just plain thoughtless....The way you are facing and looking at your situation blows me away,so honest.

    1. Annie
      I'll reply here too so you don't feel "left out" ;-) even though I've msg'd you on FB . . .
      Indeed much of the turmoil had a lot to do with being treated like shit by "the man" . . . But that's all part of this damn addiction. It's rarely easy and straightforward.
      It's constantly dealing with arseholes who couldn't give a shit . . . and these people are meant to be friends of 12 years! But they too are addicts . . . and kill their emotions. They don't feel the guilt of leaving me rattling when it would be so easy to sort it out. And round and round it goes.
      A lot of the anger was at being messed about. At letting myself be in this situation (where arseholes can mess me around) year in, year out . . . always hoping for a change.
      It won't change unless I face it. There is no easy way . . .
      Thanks for being there for me. Love to you and family x x x x

  5. I have walked the path that you are walking now. It's a hard journey but you can do it too. You'll find what works for you and become sober, and if you slip or relapse, you dust off and try again. I love that you're writing about it here. Writing for me is very therapeutic. Good luck to you!

  6. I'm putting something up on my blog for you on Monday so you will see you're not alone. Hugs!!

    1. L
      Ok I'll check that out . . . although I know I'm not alone, in "blogland" alone there are so many people fighting addiction, it's still encouraging to get feedback and hear/read other peoples experiences.
      I appreciate every comment and look forward to reading that on Monday. Thanks.