I covered it to an extent in my replies to comments last night as that's when I was "feeling" it. But I need to go further into it to find out what the hell I'm so scared of.
I didn't feel well all day yesterday, like I was coming down with something. Aching joints, ears whooshing, slightly dizzy . . . not good.
I started to try and get my evening score in at about 3pm ish so I knew it would be here as the guy can be a total mess about. Well mess me about he did. He wouldn't answer my calls but he finally answered a text at 6pm to say . . . "I'll be down soon". . . Soon? What's soon? I asked if I could walk up (2 minutes walk) No reply . . . 7pm I texted again . . . Hello? have you forgotten?
I won't go into every boring text or reply, suffice to say that I was extremely wound up, exasperated and in tears by 8pm. I was fuming. Angry with myself, the gear and him. Amid the tears I started to think . . Hold on . . . This is what you wanted. You want to stop this. This is the help you prayed for . . . Now you can do one night clean. O yeah! . . . Just what I fucking wanted . . . But why not? If you want to get off it you have to start somewhere . . . Yeah but not here. Not now . . . Why? . . . Well because I'm not feeling well for a start and because the seed has been planted. I decided I was using earlier on today and looked forward to it. And I ache all over and I've had a crap day and all this being fucked about and, and, AND . . . . whine, whinge, whine.
Yep any excuse. There was no way I was not using. I was frantic. Texting. Calling. Every single option was covered. People I haven't texted for ages . . . maybe they knew someone who knew someone? Maybe not? O c'mon someone must have something. Absolute madness. As though my life depended on it. My persistence paid off at about half nine and off I ran in my pyjamas, trainers and hoody with tears of joy, relief, anger, hysteria and utter madness rolling down my cheeks.
Tears splashed and hissed on the hot foil as I ran the gear . I wept for my children. Wept because they don't get the "full" me. Wept with guilt. And with joy. Wept with anger at myself for letting that arsehole treat me like this. Wept because it was
I can't do justice to the emotional turmoil at the moment because big chief tear wiper has been and wiped me numb . . . So I will do it again. I have to do it again. And again. I will do it to find out what it is about the onslaught of emotions that I feel I can't possibly cope with. Why I don't want to feel it all full on. Obviously because the bad stuff is uncomfortable . . . But I'm not only numbing the bad stuff am I?
There's no point me trying to connect with those feelings now. I have to feel them again and catch them full on. Yes it will be uncomfortable . . . but I've noticed that writing it forces me to look at it. To try and put it into simple words means having to de-tangle the mass of emotions, to separate the strands and lay them out one by one . . . the good and the bad. To single out which one/s is/are frightening me so bad that I have to keep running away.
So that was yesterday. I need to find some "fight" from somewhere. What a battle.