Tuesday 14 February 2012

The official "It's gone" post.

Ok I have to at least devote one post to it . . . Surely? To what? . . . I Know, it's probably getting a bit boring, but for my future reference I feel it deserves a short post that I can refer to. After which I will attempt to change the record for a day or two ;-) So here goes  . . . I  best milk it for all it's worth.

I've just chosen not to take heroin for the past five, six, who's counting? days.
Are you sure?
Yes absolutely 100% positive.
How come, what happened?
I can't explain it other than a huge change at some level within me.
Something went, was removed, disappeared. The overwhelming "need" to score and use of an evening . . . The panic at about 8pm if I tried to not score. The persistent texting until I got a result . . . Not being able settle down until after delivery . . . It all just went. That's about it really. Like having a rotten tooth removed. Gone.

I keep half  expecting  dreading it coming back . . . Almost to the point of I daren't even say "But I know it won't" . . . just in case.
It's as though my memory has been wiped. Until . . . I'm asleep.

An hour's nap this afternoon felt like three hours trying to tell my dealer not to come round.
Firstly (in the dream) He called me to say he had stopped supplying . . . I said that's ok because I've stopped using. Then he says "Well obviously I will still get some and you will be on my special list" . . . As I tried to say "No, don't worry, I really have stopped" the connection started breaking up and I couldn't get my message through to him. He kept saying "I can't hear you, but don't worry I will pop round . . . I can't hear a word you're saying, I'll see you later" . . . then I began texting him and as hard as I tried to type the words into the phone . . .  they were not the words appearing on the screen . . . Then he was at the door and I was telling him . . . "No, I really mean No" . . .  Then it's there in front of me, on the foil, and I'm not sure now if I'm trying to say "No"  but that's not what's coming out . . . And so it went on from one scenario to another.

When I awoke, for a split second, I thought I had used. It was a heavy, sinking feeling deep down in my stomach . . . It was good, but a little disturbing, to realise it had all been a dream.

This is not a literal fear as he his not the sort to insist . . . He could hardly be bothered sorting  it when I did want it . . . And I'm easily replaceable. I don't think he'll miss my meagre custom.
It must be more a case of me not quite believing it myself. Of it seeming too good to be true. A fear of not being heard or believed. "All addicts are liars" and all that . . . I didn't even tell my Brother until yesterday.

Ok that's about all I have to say. Just so I know how I felt at this stage. I keep getting secretly very excited about all of these changes actually happening for real . . . Like, if this can happen, then anything is possible.
I almost daren't allow myself to envisage a future with these changes in place . . . As if it will turn out to be a cruel joke or something . . . Am I mad? 
Is it because I didn't suffer to "stop" that I don't feel I've worked hard for it and therefore don't deserve it and the rewards that come with it?
One simple desperate prayer for the strength and ability to say "No"  . . . Granted. Thank God.

Surely soon I will believe it, trust it and bledy well get on and enjoy it?!

20 comments:

  1. I am crying. I can hear so much of my daughter in what you are posting. The fear of using, the fear of not using, the hope, the idea that maybe this is "it." Miracles happen and I think this is one that has been given to you. Bless your heart. I am SO happy reading this and I am praying for you. So so happy!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Ok you've set me off now . . . I'm glad you understand. It's almost a fear of being happy :-/ But I will be . . . One day . . . Soon!!! Thanks Annette x

      Delete
    2. Ps . . . Those science fairs certainly do sound like parent abuse. I'd never heard of them but Yes I'm all for banning them! ;-)
      You did well to "keep your hands off".
      Like when I "help" Hamper (4) to make a card for someone . . . Let ME just show you where to put that glitter . . . And that bit goes THERE! . . NO! I said THERE!! :-O

      Delete
  2. You know what? I quit smoking the same way. I'd tried before, and failed and then - I did say one prayer - and that was it.

    I did have dreams where I would find myself smoking, and then realize I'd quit and have that sinking feeling that I'd ruined everything.

    It's just your mind figuring it out that it's really real.

    Just don't ever think that, because it was "easy" that you can start and stop whenever you feel like it. My husband had an "easy" quit for smoking too then, after 6 months, was out with a friend who smoked like a chimney, took a cigarette, and was back on them again for a few years. It was extremely hard for him to quit the next time - and he still has the desire. He actually bought e-cigarettes and sucks on them - but not with nicotine in them - because he's still tempted and it's been at least 15 years now.

    I believe you, but agree that it's pretty amazing that after all your agonizing beforehand, that you are simply clean. It really is like a miracle. Amen.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hi Jeannie,
      Absolutely . . . you're right there. I won't go thinking I can do this again, as and when I please. I know from 12 years of "wanting to stop" that it was impossible. I know this was special, somehow different. Other "attempts" have left me climbling the walls not being able to stop thinking about the damn stuff . . . This time It's as if I've forgotten about it . . . Except, like I said, when I sleep it finds a way of "sneaking in" . . . Well it can bugger right off! It's lost it's grip. Amen indeed!

      Delete
    2. Ps. Happy Valentine's Day to you and Gary :-)

      Delete
  3. It CAN happen for you... I'll pray for you even though I don't know you!!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hi Thanks Lucy . . . I read your post this morning. i didn't know you were in Adelaide too. I wouldn't be surprised if my Brother had known Bubsy's Grandad. This world seems to be shrinking.
      Even if things don't seem perfect for Bubsy (in your mind), you're doing good by him. You are his stability and security . . . That counts for so much in a child.

      Delete
  4. That is just amazing. So, so happy for you.
    And I would have commented earlier but rotten blogger was having hissy fits again.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks as always for reading and commenting.
      I loved your "Jazz n Jewel" post but I had problems commenting too . . . Beautiful silky cats with such strong personalities.

      Delete
  5. It can happen. A day at a time - don't over plan, don't analyse, the compulsion is gone and just let it be gone.

    The dream - they happen. I still get odd drinking dreams at one point it was happening a lot - not now. My sponsor who is 20 years sober had one only the other day - he phoned me to talk about it... and he said "When I woke up I was sweating and felt shit - I honestly thought for a few seconds I was hungover and had drunk" - so don't worry you're in good company.

    Keep praying as it's working for you

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. That's exactly how I'm taking it . . . One day at a time. I'm trying very hard not to get excited about the future ;-)
      Wow that's weird that the dreams can go on for so many years. Good to know it's not just me though.
      Yes, I'll make a conscious effort to stay grateful and remember how this happened.
      Happy Valentine's Day to you & Mrs F

      Delete
  6. I see you as a walking, breathing miracle right now. I see the true grace of God in this. His grace - not the religious law that your parents tried to impose on you but grace, which I believe is God's greatest gift. I'm not a big fan of religion but I'm a fan of God and you, my friend, are a wonder to behold. I love that you're sharing all of this with us and at the same time you're giving God the glory for all He's doing in your life. YOU are a shining example of the power of prayer. This doesn't mean you won't ever faulter again or feel the pull of temptation but awareness is key and you definetely seem to be tuned in.

    Okay, I'm done babbling now. I just want you to know that you're an amazing woman and I'm sorry if I seem overcomplimentary but I really think what is happening here is truly amazing and it's difficult for me to hold my tongue.

    You're in my thoughts and prayers and I hope you will continue to pray since it's obviously working wonders for you. Sure wish we weren't an ocean apart. Would love to take a camping trip with you and your brood and just hang out and get to know you better. Maybe someday....One just never knows what the future may hold.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Ahhh Thanks . . . Yes as I commented the other day to someone . . . "Religion is giving God a bad name" As you say it's nothing to do with religion . . . Simply God and another one of his many wonders.
      Don't worry about seeming overcomplimentary . . . I can take it ;-) It's good to "see" people who realise just how amazing this really is.
      Hey yeah . . . When I learn to drive and get my motorhome/campervan . . . Who knows? Stranger things have happened.
      Happy Valentine's Day to you and Mr. JJ x x x

      Delete
  7. You can shout it from the roof top every day if you want! This is time to be proud and remind yourself WHY you're proud and how far you've come. As Furtheron said, a day at a time. You got this, and you keep on getting this!!

    I ,for one, am so very proud and happy for you (and now that it's the afternoon here, I am doing my happy dance in clothes, not my pajamas). Rock on!!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It feels so unreal to me still that I'm wary of even saying it . . . let alone shouting it ;-)
      I went to the Dr today and didn't even tell her!?
      I know there are some readers that don't believe me . . . I can't see why they think I would lie though? Maybe they think the whole "story" of an addict getting clean is something I've read and copied!? . . . Oh yeah, Really exciting story!!
      I mean, yes, to me it actually is exciting . . . But if I was going to make something up I think I could be a little more imaginative.
      Anyway I know you believe me L and I'm pleased your joining in the "happiness" . . . Thanks x

      Delete
  8. hey matey.... i got a feeling knowing and seeing where ur bro is has ended and bought closure to an event you knew happened but because he was homeless oneday and lost to you, then you had to know he wasnt just lost anymore. hopefully my plaque comes tomorrow and i found out dudley park cemetery was once called islington cemetery so im getting more info thru searches now. ill update u later. xo lilly

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hi lovey . . . Yeah it's good to know and "see" the place where he was laid to rest . . . I really appreciate all the work you've put into this Lily, you've been so kind and thoughtful. If all my dreams come true and I get a license and motorhome . . . One day . . . I'll pop in and see you! You just never know what can happen when it all starts happening ;-) Take good care and I'll catch up again soon x x x

      Delete
  9. Be happy. And believe in yourself. You are okay. I just know that.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I am. I'll try. Thanks. It is "sinking in" now. It's almost like having to forge a whole new identity overnight. I'm just about catching up with myself.

      Delete